Trump Won’t Win the Nobel Peace Prize, Keeps Talking About Iran Bombing LA & More Broken Promises

[0:15] You know, we give ourselves awards almost all year long here with a couple of breaks [0:20] here and there, but none of them, not the Oscar, not the Peabody, not even the coveted [0:24] people's choice compares to the award being handed out in Oslo tomorrow. [0:28] In fact, just hours from now, they will hand out the Nobel Prize for Peace, the big one. [0:33] And that means it is that magical time of the year when our president, Donald J.D. [0:37] Bug Trump, cries like a newborn baby, even though he doesn't care about the Nobel Prize [0:43] at all. [0:44] Everyone says that I should get the Nobel Peace Prize. [0:47] I had so many people, you should get the Nobel Prize. [0:50] Everybody said that I should immediately get the Nobel Peace Award. [0:54] Where's my Nobel Peace Prize? [0:56] They should give me the Nobel Prize. [0:58] I had an eight wars. [0:59] Did I get the Nobel Prize? [1:00] No. [1:01] Did I get a Nobel Prize? [1:02] No. [1:03] I don't care about the Nobel Prize. [1:05] I would say I should have won that award more than anybody that ever received the Nobel [1:11] Peace Prize. [1:12] They gave it to Obama for doing absolutely nothing. [1:14] Obama got a Nobel Peace Prize. [1:17] He didn't do anything. [1:18] And I don't care about it. [1:19] I'm not looking for it. [1:20] I'm not politicking for it. [1:22] Obama got the Nobel Prize. [1:24] He had no idea why. [1:25] You know, when I didn't get the Nobel Peace Prize. [1:29] You got to understand. [1:30] I don't care. [1:31] You should have gotten the Nobel Prize. [1:34] If I don't get the Nobel Prize for peace, nobody will ever get it. [1:41] Well, you know what? [1:42] Donald, I know you were really good this year. [1:45] I know you only bombed 10 fishermen in one school. [1:48] And I know you don't care about the Nobel Prize. [1:50] But somebody will get it. [1:51] And you will be mortified to know that someone will not be you tomorrow. [1:56] Everything you need to know about Donald Trump's brain can be the fact that he believes he should [2:01] win a Nobel Prize for peace seven months after starting a war for no reason. [2:05] Even history's most notorious dictator, Genghis Khan himself, would be like, you know what? [2:11] This was a rebuilding year. [2:13] We'll go for it next year. [2:15] One of the actual candidates for the Nobel Prize is the Prime Minister of Canada, Mark Carney, [2:20] who, you know, on one hand, I would love to see him win just to drive Trump so nuts [2:27] he eats his golf clubs this weekend. [2:29] But I also know if he does, he'll bomb every Tim Hortons from coast to coast. [2:32] So there will be no bell for Yeltsin Mandela this year. [2:36] So he's come up with his own ceremony to distract from that. [2:40] Washington today, Trump awarded the National Medal of Science to his owner, Elon Musk. [2:45] And look at this. [2:47] Look at the body language here. [2:48] This is definitely someone we can trust with the keys to our military in space, nodding [2:53] and like he's rebooting in front of our eyes. [2:57] And of course, it makes sense that Elon Musk would get our nation's Medal of Science. [3:02] No one has meddled more with our nation's scientist than Twitchy Cybertruck, the person who bulldozed [3:09] the National Institute of Health and convinced Congress to cut $200 million of pediatric cancer [3:15] research. [3:16] And only 16 months after tweeting, time to drop the really big bomb. [3:20] Donald Trump is in the Epstein files. [3:21] That is the reason they have not been made public. [3:23] Have a nice day, DJT. [3:25] 16 months later, they're side by side exchanging medals. [3:31] I guess it's all water under the bridge they call home. [3:34] It is so nice when two terrible people can put their differences aside for the great or [3:39] bad. [3:40] And you know what? [3:41] I do give the president some credit. [3:42] It's hard for him to give medals to other people. [3:45] He's really showing growth. [3:46] On the other hand, he's now quadrupling down on this fantasy he's been expressing about [3:52] Iran wiping out L.A. and San Diego. [3:54] He wrote, the fake and artificial news is out there trying to say I'm inviting the enemy [3:59] to bomb San Diego and L.A., when in actuality, what I was talking about was that a temporary [4:03] increase in the price of gasoline is a small price to pay for Iran not having a nuclear weapon. [4:09] And if you want to see a big price, can you imagine what it would be like if they bombed San [4:13] Diego and or Los Angeles? [4:16] Blah, blah, blah. [4:17] These people are degenerates. [4:18] And they think they can continuously get away with fake news. [4:21] First, they said what he said was a joke. [4:23] Then they said, oh, it was taken out of context. [4:25] And now he just keeps saying it over and over again. [4:28] I say it all the time. [4:30] Let's see what would happen if they ever did something like to Los Angeles or San Diego. [4:35] Those seem to be the most prominent because of location. [4:40] I'm talking about through missiles. [4:42] That would be terrible if a thing like that happened. [4:44] And you want to see problems, let them hit Los Angeles or let them hit a place like San [4:49] Diego. [4:50] Why do you keep saying Los Angeles and San Diego? [4:53] If you aren't inviting them to target us, try mixing the cities up a little bit. [5:00] He ruminates about our death by missile strike and then tries to cover it by saying, [5:04] but we won't let that happen. [5:06] You know why they won't let that happen? [5:07] Because it can happen. [5:08] Iran has no missiles capable of reaching California. [5:11] Tehran is more than 7,000 miles away. [5:14] Their range is 1,200 miles. [5:16] Iran doesn't have any nuclear weapons that could hit us. [5:18] He might as well be protecting us from the chupacabra here. [5:21] Do you think he even knows this? [5:23] I'm serious. [5:24] He might not even know that. [5:25] Speaking of bombing, Trump was in San Antonio last night at another sparsely attended rally, [5:30] where again he dipped into his bag of imagination to describe what might happen if Texas elects the Democrat James Tallarico. [5:39] But if Tallarico and the Democrats get their way, all of that squalor, misery, poverty, homelessness. [5:46] You know, I said it the other day, when the blues get in, everything becomes dirty. [5:53] The streets are dirty. [5:56] The doorknobs going into stores are dirty. [5:59] The sidewalks are filthy dirty. [6:03] Everything becomes dirty and has a bad smell. [6:06] Oh, yeah. [6:07] Well, when the blues get in after the midterm, everything's going to be dirty and have a bad smell, [6:11] mostly from your diapers because you're at the doorknobs. [6:14] Baby Donald made a boom boom after he saw the votes. [6:21] And then, you know, they're so fearful of James Tallarico, [6:24] and they have so little to hit him with, they've made up this story that he's a vegan, [6:28] or as Trump pronounces it, a vagan. [6:30] He's been saying vagan for the past couple of weeks, [6:33] and I've been wondering if anybody in his life would correct him on that. [6:36] And finally, someone did, and she happens to be from Slovenia. [6:41] He's a vegan. [6:42] You know, my wife told me, sir, do me a favor. [6:45] Hold on a second. [6:47] We'll get back to the vegan thing in a second. [6:52] Your wife calls you sir? [6:54] We're supposed to believe your wife calls... [6:57] You would, like, just believe Melania calls you sir. [7:00] I don't even believe Melania calls you, okay? [7:04] Of all the things he has said that I do not believe, Melania call him sir, [7:13] is the thing I believe less than all the other things I don't believe at all. [7:18] But I digress. [7:19] Please go on with the vegan thing. [7:21] He's a vegan. [7:22] You know, my wife told me, sir, you have to do me just a little bit of a favor. [7:28] It's not vagan, it's vegan. [7:30] I don't know about that stuff. [7:31] I'm not into it. [7:32] And he said, it's vegan. [7:35] Please pronounce that word properly. [7:38] I called it vegan, vegan. [7:40] I thought... [7:41] How the hell would I know? [7:42] I like steak. [7:43] That's right. [7:46] He likes steak. [7:47] He's a man's man with a hair weave and a half a tub of bronzer on his face. [7:50] Trump also demanded that Tallarico debate Ken Paxton, which is hilarious because James [8:01] Tallarico has spent the last three months begging Ken Paxton for a debate. [8:05] He even agreed to have the debate on Fox News. [8:07] And Paxton's been running from him like Ted Cruz on his way to Cancun during an ice storm. [8:12] Now, Trump's other big move is promising checks. [8:15] He's promising every adult American $5,000 if the Republicans win the House and Senate. [8:21] And in lieu of actual health care, he's offering these bogus $500 refund checks for Obamacare. [8:28] That's another one we did. [8:29] Everyone said, well, sir, you're not going to be able to do that. [8:31] I said, really? [8:32] Give me a shot. [8:34] I always do what I say. [8:35] If you look back, promises made, promises kept, right? [8:39] That's right. [8:40] Promises made. [8:41] If you look back, if you were to look back, let's say if you were to look back to one [8:45] year ago today, you will see promises made, promises kept. [8:50] One year ago today. [8:52] Gasoline's going to be, I think gasoline's going to be below $2 at some point in the pretty [8:57] near future. [8:58] It's very low. [8:59] Oh, sorry. [9:02] That is incorrect. [9:03] The average price of gasoline is $4.36. [9:06] Sorry. [9:07] You know, a lot of people don't know the word bull has a B in it. [9:10] It's, here's another promise he didn't keep. [9:13] You know how Trump said he was going to pay for those government-funded commercials he [9:20] claimed were PSAs, the ones that said God made Trump, spent $20 million of our money [9:25] on these, and taxpayers got mad. [9:27] Nine out of ten Americans, in fact, said they were against that. [9:30] So on Monday, Trump backed off. [9:31] He wrote, I have decided to do the patriotic ads, among others, and pay for them myself [9:37] and with money I raised for MAGA, Inc. [9:39] That was Monday. [9:40] On Tuesday, a White House spokesperson said, the president's truth was not referring to [9:45] reimbursement, which means he's not paying for the ads he ran, even though he specifically [9:50] truth that he would pay for them himself or with money from MAGA, Inc., which I guess [9:55] means his truth wasn't the truth. [9:57] It's too much. [9:58] There's just so much lying and stealing. [10:00] It gives you a headache, and you can't even take Tylenol anymore. [10:03] Don't. [10:04] Take. [10:05] Tylenol. [10:06] And then we have the return of a character who seemed to have been written out of the [10:10] cast. [10:11] One of my favorite little subplots from this whole Trump experience was Kimberly Guilfoyle. [10:16] Kimberly Guilfoyle was Fox News something. [10:19] I don't know what the hell she did, but she was engaged to Don Jr. while Trump was running. [10:23] She was everywhere. [10:24] She was always at his side. [10:25] But then she and little Don broke up, and to get rid of her, to get her out of the picture, [10:29] the president made her ambassador to Greece. [10:32] He shipped her off 5,000 miles away, which was a funny thing to do. [10:36] So anyway, Kimberly, who's already under scrutiny for some of her shenanigans in Athens, [10:41] now she is in deep fossilata, because we've learned from the Wall Street Journal that as [10:46] she was preparing for her confirmation hearings last year, she was also trying to get a big [10:50] Trump donor to pay her personal American Express bill. [10:53] This is an exchange, text exchange, between Kimberly Guilfoyle and a guy named Eric Dieters, [10:58] who's the owner of a pizza chain called Snappy Tomato. [11:01] She asked him for $100,000. [11:03] She wrote, you could just send it here. [11:05] It won't show up anywhere if you wire money to American Express. [11:08] That's all it will show. [11:09] Please. [11:10] He said, no. [11:11] He said, my wife will divorce me if I do that. [11:13] She said, stop putting things in writing. [11:15] She wrote, what a nightmare. [11:17] You'll literally cost me my ambassadorship. [11:19] Stop writing. [11:20] She asked him to stop writing in writing. [11:23] And he, keep in mind, this is a major Magadona, by the way. [11:27] It's now going to the news. [11:28] Honey, please, I need you to get this done for me today. [11:32] Did you think that she was asking for that payment in exchange for something? [11:37] Oh, absolutely. [11:40] She made it very clear, and the text messages make it very clear. [11:45] She was so desperate for me to send that $100,000. [11:50] She said, if you do this for me, and it's in the text messages, [11:53] I will be your ride or die in Trump world. [11:58] Our ambassador to Greece was begging the owner of Snappy Tomato Pizza to pay her credit card bill. [12:06] This person was asking for a handout. [12:09] Nobody likes freeloaders. [12:11] Give people, you know, a hand up versus a handout. [12:14] They're acting like petulant, like little brats, because they've been rewarded with higher salaries. [12:19] They want all of us, people watching across this country, hardworking men and women, to subsidize their laziness. [12:25] Pay your bills yourself. [12:27] Work hard. [12:28] Get a job as a waitress or whatever. [12:30] Nowadays, when you see people getting these entitlements, let me tell you something. [12:33] Once they get it, they don't want to give it back. [12:34] The rules apply to thee, but not to me. [12:37] We did it, everybody. [12:38] We finally made America great. [12:40] Now, in fairness to Kimberly, she has a lot of expenses. [12:44] I mean, she's looking at around $30,000 a month just in eyeliner alone. [12:47] Lip filler is not cheap. [12:49] It costs a lot of money to look like a disappointed bullfrog. [12:52] She really does, by the way. [12:55] I mean, this woman is physically evolving into the alt-right mascot, Pepe the Frog. [13:01] Don't worry, Kim. [13:02] When they fire you and they make you come home, we got a nice green reflecting pond for you [13:10] to live in, okay? [13:11] I never thought I'd say this. [13:14] Don Jr. might have been the smart one in the relationship. [13:16] We have a lot to celebrate in L.A. right now. [13:19] Right now, we've got, first of all, Guillermo on Dancing with the Stars. [13:24] Against all odds, he's going to week five of Dancing with the Stars. [13:30] And the Dodgers are headed to Milwaukee to play the Brewers in the playoffs. [13:36] The Dodgers look and become the first National League team to three-peat. [13:39] They closed out their first series in Atlanta last night with a series of blasts in the face [13:45] of their favorite reporter, David Vasse. [13:48] The game one, winning pitcher who is very upset. [13:51] I still haven't worn his shirt yet. [13:53] Yep, I got another beer in a place that it shouldn't be. [13:57] Uh, what'd you say? [13:58] Uh, I think he got an agenda. [14:01] You dropped it. [14:03] You dropped that. [14:04] You dropped that one. [14:06] All right, Kike, congrats. [14:07] Thanks. [14:08] We'll see you next round. [14:09] Thanks. [14:10] Nice nipples. [14:12] All right. [14:13] Most of the ski goggles sold in L.A. go to the Dodgers' locker rooms for after the game. [14:17] And, um, oh, and one more thing before we buzz off. [14:20] It is Thursday night, and that means it's time to bleep and blur the big TV moments of [14:24] the week. [14:25] Whether they need it or not, it is this week in Unnecessary Censorship. [14:28] Yeah. [14:32] So let me tell you, I had two dreams as a kid growing up. [14:35] One was to be a veterinarian. [14:37] My dad taught me how to a pig when I was five years old. [14:40] Mr. President, welcome to the state. [14:43] Say hello to your quarterback. [14:44] He's a little bit injured, but, and, tell him I know his mother. [14:48] I his mother a few times in Palm Beach. [14:50] You look at his body, it's different. [14:52] He's stuck up, more muscle, big . [14:56] The biggest scare this Halloween might be the in the candy aisle. [14:59] Have you ever eaten before? [15:00] I have, sir. [15:01] Have you ever f***ed anybody? [15:02] I have. [15:03] Did you feel like because you f***ed them, you should never fire them or criticize them? [15:06] No. [15:07] I was f***ing Jimmy Kimmel last night. [15:10] I don't know if you saw that. [15:11] Thank you, Kelly. [15:12] Great tips. [15:13] Appreciate it. [15:14] F*** you. [15:16] A woman is arrested in North Fort Myers after investigators found 30 d*** crammed inside [15:21] her d***s. [15:22] The game one winning pitcher who is very upset. [15:25] I still haven't f***ing his d*** yet. [15:27] Yep. [15:28] You will not be allowed to f*** your tractor. [15:33] If you f*** your tractor, you will go to jail. [15:37] Right. [15:41] We got a good show tonight. [15:42] Daisy Edgar Jones is here. [15:44] We have music from Remy Wolf. [15:46] Sophia James is with the Cleetons. [15:48] And we override with Michael Douglas. [15:50] So stick around.