Trump’s Primetime Speech, Teleprompter Gambling Scandal & White House Crack Down on Leaks

[0:00] Welcome, welcome to Jimmy Kimmel Live. [0:03] I'm your guest host, Ike Barinholtz. [0:05] This is... [0:06] Well, thank you. Thank you. [0:07] Okay. [0:11] This is my fourth and final night hosting. [0:14] I know. It's okay. It's okay. [0:16] I have to go back and finish filming season two of the studio. [0:20] Yes. [0:23] But Jimmy will be back in September. [0:26] That explosive diarrhea, it's no joke, folks. [0:30] The man loves his lettuce. [0:32] The main event in America tonight was Donald Trump's big primetime speech. [0:39] You could actually go online and bet on which words Trump would say during the speech. [0:45] These are the odds on Kalshi. [0:47] You could wager on whether he would say Democrat, Barack Hussein Obama, or transgender. [0:57] Now, look, however you feel about online gambling, [1:01] you have to admit that Donald Trump not talking about transgender mice [1:06] is the funniest way to lose your kid's college fund. [1:09] That is absolutely true. [1:12] On the topic of White House gambling, [1:14] we learned today that the guy who operates Trump's teleprompter [1:18] has reportedly made more than $100,000 betting on stuff that Trump would mention in his speeches, [1:24] which he clearly had inside information on. [1:28] He's a regular Pete Rose garden. [1:31] Sorry. [1:34] Acid reflux. [1:37] White House press secretary Caroline Levitt was asked about the teleprompter operator [1:41] during her press briefing today. [1:42] What steps is the White House taking to ensure something like that doesn't happen? [1:47] Well, the White House has extremely strict ethical guidelines [1:51] with respect to issues like this. [1:53] And as I just told you, this individual will no longer be here. [1:57] He'll be on paid administrative leave. [2:00] I'm sorry, without pay. [2:01] The administrative leave is unpaid. [2:02] Yeah, he doesn't need to get paid. [2:05] He just made $100,000 on Kalshi. [2:07] It's crazy. [2:08] $100,000, that's nothing, by the way. [2:10] The Guillermo won $10 million, betting that I would mention diarrhea in the opening monologue. [2:16] So, right there. [2:17] You better give me a taste. [2:20] I want a taste of that. [2:21] A little bit. [2:23] But no one is making more money right now than the president himself. [2:27] In fact, he's literally on the money. [2:31] The U.S. Department of Treasury has begun producing a special gold $1 coin [2:35] with the president's face on it. [2:37] The coin will be available beginning this fall, [2:39] but thanks to inflation, it will only be worth 50 cents. [2:42] Because of the boar and stuff, you know. [2:46] This is the front of the coin. [2:48] I've got to say, they really, really nailed the skin tone. [2:53] And equally beautiful is the back of the coin. [2:57] Oh, my God. [2:58] Oh, no. [3:01] Tails, we all lose. [3:03] Yikes. [3:05] Oh, no. [3:08] Things are very tense at the White House right now. [3:11] Trump officials have reportedly been asking people to turn in their phones [3:15] as part of an investigation into whoever has been leaking information to the press. [3:19] The investigation is being run by Trump's chief of staff, [3:22] who is apparently a depressed Paul LaDine impersonator named Susie Wiles. [3:28] But FBI Director Cash Patel is also heading up the probe, [3:31] though he might have a bit of a hard time unlocking those phones. [3:35] It's difficult to use face ID when this is your face. [3:38] Oh, my God. [3:39] Oh, FBI, aye, aye. [3:43] Am I right, Guillermo? [3:44] You are right. [3:45] Yeah. [3:46] We are now on the no-fly list because of that joke. [3:51] We have an update on something I mentioned last night. [3:54] It involves this clip where Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer [3:58] appears to release some of his own greenhouse gas. [4:02] Take a listen. [4:02] Now on Iran and the NDAA. [4:08] Well, today, the folks at TMZ, they caught up with Chuck on Capitol Hill. [4:13] And I've got to be honest, I've always found TMZ to be a little problematic here in L.A. [4:18] But now that they're in D.C., I'm a big fan. [4:22] Senator Jacob with TMZ, did you fart yesterday on the Senate floor? [4:26] Crazy. [4:33] No comment from the senator. [4:35] No comment. [4:36] Silent but deadly once again. [4:38] Are you guys all excited for the World Cup final between Spain and Argentina? [4:49] Guillermo, what are you doing? [4:51] What are your plans for the game, buddy? [4:53] Well, I'm going to watch it at my house, making margarita, and I'm going to be in a swimming pool. [4:59] So you're going to be in the pool watching the game? [5:02] Yes, and drinking margarita. [5:04] And drinking margarita. [5:05] Yes. [5:05] So you have like a TV by your pool? [5:08] Yes, I do. [5:10] Wow, man. [5:11] Someone made some kalshi money right there. [5:14] Good for you, baby. [5:15] Good for you. [5:16] Very good. [5:17] Very nice. [5:19] Much of the focus ahead of the game is on the matchup between 39-year-old Lionel Messi [5:24] of Argentina and the young star from Spain, Lamine Yamal. [5:28] But as it turns out, and this is 100% true, that Messi actually met Yamal in 2007 when he [5:36] was just a little baby. [5:37] This picture was taken, this is true, when Yamal's family won a raffle to get a photo [5:42] with Messi, who was 20 at the time. [5:45] This is insane. [5:46] I mean, it's crazy to think that if Lamine Yamal had not become a huge star, Messi would [5:52] have just been a weird 20-year-old washing a random baby. [5:56] What the hell? [5:57] It's crazy. [5:58] I mean, can you imagine how awesome this trash talk is going to be? [6:04] It's like, we're going to wipe the floor with your team, and then I'm going to wipe your [6:07] butt like I did when I bathed you as a baby. [6:10] Yeah. [6:11] Yeah. [6:12] Awesome. [6:14] It's actually, it's a coincidence, because that is the exact same way me and Jimmy Kimmel [6:20] met. [6:20] There it is right there. [6:22] He's a great talk show host, and he's very gentle on the undercarriage. [6:29] Speaking of baby photos, two of my guests tonight are in several of my baby photos. [6:34] My brother, John, and my dad, Alan Berenholz, are here. [6:38] Yes, yes. [6:39] Now, thank you. [6:40] Now, my dad has actually led a very interesting life. [6:45] You might know him as an actor from shows like Jury Duty and Running Point, but before [6:50] that, he had a long career as an attorney, and now, him and I are partnering together [6:55] for a new legal venture dedicated to helping the criminally stupid. [7:01] Attention. [7:02] Have you or someone you love been injured in a viral internet video? [7:06] Then we'll get you some money. [7:10] I'm Alan Berenholz. [7:11] I've spent 45 years as a lawyer, specializing in malpractice and civil rights cases. [7:16] And I'm Ike Berenholz, his son. [7:19] Here at the Law Offices of Berenholz and Berenholz, we'll get you the cash settlement [7:23] you deserve. [7:25] No matter what dumbass thing you did on YouTube. [7:28] Have you broken your tailbone trying to ride a pig without consent? [7:31] Received a concussion while attempting to hoverboard in your place of work? [7:35] Developed asthma after being coated in toxic gender reveal powder? [7:39] Did a hippopotamus spray diarrhea on your children? [7:43] Then you're entitled to compensation, and we're just the guys to sue that hippo back to the [7:49] stone age. [7:50] Ike! [7:51] Language. [7:52] No, but I can swear, and also, when I do this, though, turn around so we're making the same [7:56] picture, man. [7:57] We also handle stair injuries, roof oopsies, ladder fractures, George's been sledding [8:03] contusions, lean squirrels, face clamps, topsy-turvy porta-potties, fat guy on a diving board, [8:08] vehicular picnic mayhem, agitated llamas, clergy drownings, flaming jump ropes, clumsy strippers, [8:14] misuse of long furniture, Canadian spinal contusions, messed up, messed up, mental, [8:19] mental, malpractice, eye injury, and fireworks that somehow burn your bockhole. [8:25] But don't take our word for it, listen to these satisfied clients. [8:30] I tried to fight a bison at Yellowstone because it ate my cigarettes. [8:34] Barinholtz and Barinholtz got me 50 grand, and a colostomy bag. [8:39] I lost me good eye jumping a dirt bike into a pine tree, and then that raccoon took me [8:45] other. [8:46] But them Barinholtz boys got me $6 million. [8:48] Look it. [8:49] Now I'm rich, you little raccoon bastard. [8:53] That's right. [8:54] Because you did some stupid doesn't mean you should suffer. [8:58] Call Barinholtz and Barinholtz today. [9:01] Results not guaranteed. [9:02] If you are currently bleeding, hang up and call 911. [9:04] Not licensed to practice in Alaska, Hawaii, or Nevada, but we'll do it anyway. [9:06] If you've been bitten by a monkey, quarantine for 14 days before visiting our office. [9:09] Call Barinholtz and Barinholtz today, or tomorrow if you're busy today, but soon. [9:24] One more thing. [9:25] It is Thursday night, which means it's time to bleep and blur the big TV moments of the [9:29] week. [9:30] Whether they need it or not, it's this week in unnecessary censorship. [9:34] The 65-year-old man that was a bison at Yellowstone National Park on Friday is now speaking out. [9:43] As I told you in my office, I think the attorney general has the hardest in Washington, D.C. [9:50] Food, like high quality and full fat is at the center of the American diet. [9:56] In our politics lead, President Trump has some big . [9:59] It wasn't so pungent, but it was a light stinky that I was, you know, I was expecting a giant [10:06] but it was actually okay. [10:08] Our school bathrooms have not felt like functional restrooms, but today we are here to celebrate [10:13] a massive . [10:15] Well, Angie, with Boutique Travel, she always has great advice and great tips for us. [10:19] What if we did something like insane, like for 12 bucks, that'd be like absolutely wild, [10:25] wouldn't it? [10:26] William. [10:32] You got that one. [10:35] $2,000 for William? [10:37] My dad and brother Alan and John Barinholtz are here. [10:44] We got music from Jeff Tweedy. [10:46] We'll be right back with Justin's The Roll. [10:49] What if we got?