Trump Cries Rigged Election, “Kidding" About Hiring Dana White & White House Insults Jimmy Kimmel

[0:13] tonight some of the funniest people in the whole world are eating tortilla chips backstage right [0:17] now and we're coming off a pretty great week we're already seeing the effects of that big blue wave [0:22] that washed over washington two months and counting before the new members of congress [0:31] are sworn in and the old ones are escorted out this is what is known as a lame duck session [0:36] at least a hundred members of the house are set to depart including thomas massey of kentucky [0:41] who's going out with a bang this afternoon thomas massey who's a republican introduced [0:45] articles of impeachment against trump's secretary of defense pete hegseth the house is expected to [0:53] vote on that by wednesday if the articles pass which seems likely the senate would then vote to decide on [1:00] whether to remove hegseth from office which seems unlikely if it happens pete would become the first [1:05] secretary of defense in american history to be impeached since the 1800s and and there's a 24-hour [1:14] fitness out there that's about to get a very angry new general manager i have to admit you know i don't [1:24] i'm really enjoying watching these guys lick their wounds after all the exceptionally vile lying [1:30] republicans running in texas did their best to depict james tallarico as uh gay vegan or vegan whichever [1:37] one trump uh faux religious con man unfortunately for them the voters didn't buy it and now poor ted cruz [1:44] is sad and all alone look the last two days in texas as i've traveled the state i've just encountered [1:50] people who are grieving they're in shock i i went to best buy this afternoon i walked in and three [1:56] people there were were almost in tears expressing shock that's not because they're upset about the [2:03] election that's because you're ugly that's quite an image he conjured up ted cruz wandering the aisles [2:13] at best buy looking for an hdmi and a lightning connector so he can watch stepmom porn on his big [2:21] screen instead of the phone ted cruz is one of the first republicans to admit they got an ass kicking [2:26] but he might want to reel that back in because the president suddenly begs to differ this morning he wrote [2:33] does anybody really believe that this election was honest how could the polls be so wrong how could the [2:39] polls all the polls have the democrats winning big the latest fox news poll reveals the cost of living [2:47] is by far the top issue for voters right now it's weighing on the gop democrats lead 54 to 45 percent [2:54] in the race for the house and 77 percent disapprove of the president's handling of inflation but that [3:01] was from those liberals at fox news you know they don't and then he went on he said um some early [3:07] voting dumps were so large that it was impossible to win no matter how many people went to vote that's [3:12] true some of those dumps were so large natalie had to use two diapers on election night it's all about [3:19] the machines which are far more important than the voter well you know what this time it took trump [3:26] almost six full days to claim the election was rigged that's progress right this is how it starts [3:31] though this is how he does a little taste of conspiracy uh nothing too intense just enough to wet [3:37] your appetite and then he feeds it a little more it grows the lie gets bigger he keeps repeating it [3:41] and then he starts talking about people talking about him claiming the election was rigged as if [3:47] there are people other than him claiming the election was rigged and before you know it someone [3:52] in a viking helmet is making a toilet out of nancy pelosi's desk god bless america that's how it goes [3:58] trump um he gave the keynote address to a group of leaders in aerospace at nasa over the weekend including [4:05] astronauts taking credit for work he had nothing to do with including the human genome project which [4:12] ordered the human genome to cure diseases most people don't know genome has a g in it they pronounce [4:29] a genome and then the white house got back to the important business of attacking me i got another [4:35] statement from white house spokesboy davis dingle who wrote jimmy kimmel's case of trump derangement syndrome [4:43] is so advanced that it has completely rotted his peanut-sized brain he's far more entertaining [4:49] when you're laughing at him than with him but unfortunately his real talent is his failing [4:54] ratings sick burn bro you should you know what you should enter a rap battle spitting dope rhymes like [5:01] that that's i'm not sure if i should be trump now has interns insulting me it's like that sad day when [5:11] your cat gets too fat to chase mice this guy says i have a peanut-sized brain let me explain something [5:18] i know you're young that's impossible you know what happens when you try to run a full human body with [5:23] a peanut-sized brain human gnome things like like that guy he has a brain like a like a peanut i don't [5:37] think we're prepared for the amount of insanity that this drama queen president is about to pump on us [5:42] donald trump right now is a raccoon in a duffel bag he's been cut off with the cankles and there [5:48] are two possible paths he can take the first one is to check out uh no more meetings lots of trips to [5:54] mar-a-lago lots of golf with natalie running behind the cart every once in a while he'll host a super [6:00] bowl team that's the best case scenario scenario number two is he goes nuts like like jack nicholson [6:06] and the shining nuts everybody who works for him gets the axe he turns on anyone who might possibly [6:13] want to succeed him whether that be little marco or jd vance even his own son even if don jr decides [6:19] to run for president his father will say and do anything he can to destroy him because he wants to [6:24] make sure no one but him will ever live in the white house again he might knock down the rest of it [6:29] for all we know just watch he'll announce plans to invade narnia he'll declare war on california he'll [6:38] add himself to mount rushmore four times it'll be trump trump trump and another trump they'll have to [6:44] wheel him out of the oval office in a straight jacket and mask like the late great hannibal lecter [6:50] and the plan is already in motion i'm sure you saw he wrote i am pleased to announce that mr stephen [6:57] miller the current deputy chief and one of my most trusted advisors will become the chief of staff [7:03] starting monday november 9th this feels like the part of the movie where satan is smiling and rubbing [7:09] his hooves together it's according to michael wolff who writes a lot about donald trump after the [7:15] midterms trump screamed at his now former chief of staff susie wiles in front of a bunch of people [7:21] she walked out and then leaked that she was leaving which put trump in a pickle because he didn't want [7:26] it to seem like his chief of staff quit on him so he had to quickly choose somebody to replace her [7:31] and that person turned out to be this monster peewee german who has been doing all manner of terrible [7:38] things stephen miller has had a meteoric rise up the maga ladder ever since mayor giuliani you know [7:44] mayor giuliani six years ago found him on a shelf at that dildo store he said oh my god it talks and he [7:54] gave it to trump this is bad news though susie wiles was said to be one of the few if only decent [7:59] people in trump's inner circle she was his longest serving chief of staff and it's especially a shame [8:05] to see her go because she always looked like she was having such a good time wiles released the [8:12] statement she said serving as chief of staff was the honor of a lifetime and she looks forward to [8:18] spending more time not being around trump's family you know we still don't have a white house press [8:23] secretary but we did get an update from the president on that one too he wrote i am pleased [8:28] to announce that the great dana white a violent fighter and warrior has been offered the job of [8:33] press secretary of the united states now dana white if you don't know is the ceo of ufc he's not a violent [8:39] warrior he has a job and he's worth many hundreds of millions of dollars there's no way he would want [8:45] a gig like this and so people start wondering maybe the president was confused because there is [8:49] another dana white dana w white who was chief spokesperson for the pentagon and would likely [8:56] be a more sensible choice for press secretary than the ufc dana so then people started speculating that [9:04] maybe somebody floated the idea of this woman dana white and trump heard it and thought oh the ufc guy [9:10] and then offered him the job because his brain is a pinata full of rollos there was so much talk about [9:19] this that dana w white had to put out a statement saying to everyone texting me congratulations thank [9:24] you but you have the wrong dana white so now you have to wonder is trump so out of it he mixed this [9:31] up or did he do what he often does in these situations and um well claim he was kidding i will [9:38] tell you i was only kidding but dana loves the idea of course i was kidding and you can see that because [9:46] i put all of the great fighters as his assistants that they're all going to come with him i was [9:51] kidding of course and so i was kidding that was an example of something where i was kidding oh i'm [9:59] always kidding why didn't you say that in the first place good one you really had us going for a while [10:04] we thought you went cuckoo for cocoa puffs for a minute there and as a comedian i have to say i know [10:08] that the best jokes are the ones you have to clarify on a tarmac at a later date i'm still trying to figure [10:16] out if the last press secretary he hired was a joke or not and then because he can't just say it was [10:22] a joke and move on he had to dig in he had the ufc dana white fly in from london today to meet at [10:29] the white house so let me ask you the big question dana would you like to be press secretary of the [10:36] united states of america look at the sign you'd have this behind you all the time the white house [10:41] washington would you like that if you just want to stay with this ridiculous ufc huh thank you for [10:47] the officer uh for the offer i have no no i do not want to be in politics i am devastated to hear [10:54] this goodbye everybody goodbye goodbye what a hoot huh maybe next week vana white could be your press [11:02] but the truth is donald trump doesn't need a press secretary he has a great relationship with the [11:09] press and he's able to get his message out all by himself you're going to approve wind turbines in [11:15] the future i will not approve wind turbines because wind turbines are a major loser massey's a loser [11:21] massey is a loser stone cold loser massey's a loser just like you're a loser at cnn who are you with [11:28] who are you with with ms now what what ms now it's a fake that's nobody ms now gets the worst ratings ms now [11:35] what a joke your ratings are a loser you're a fake network it's going to be so boring when we go back [11:43] to sane isn't it so after laying low for a couple days trump is back in front of the cameras he sat [11:49] for a lengthy interview with 60 minutes that aired last night and that went so well he's only going to [11:55] sue them for five billion dollars the president covered a variety of subjects including all the [12:00] foreign-backed crypto money he doesn't even know he made your son manages or helps manage a [12:06] cryptocurrency company called world liberty financial you are a which time are we talking [12:10] you are a co-owner of that company that's right that's correct right this company is also partially [12:18] owned by investors connected to the government of the united arab emirates i think if i told you [12:23] that story and it was about the biden family you would say that sounds corrupt right well he did have [12:30] a lot of sure but you but here's the difference why is it why is it different well here's for you [12:34] tell you why because i know nothing about it the only believable part of that statement is that he [12:43] and his son don't talk other than that a billion and a half dollars in crypto he knows nothing about [12:49] it money just isn't important he's not that kind of guy you know he cares more about how he will be [12:55] remembered by those he served lots of presidents are remembered with a single line he freed the slaves [13:01] he won the cold war a hundred years from now while you're working out your situation in purgatory [13:10] what is the line that your presidency is remembered with that i made america great again [13:18] i guess i asked for that thank you mr i don't know if he was kidding again or that was real it's [13:26] impossible to tell it was a wide-ranging interview that went all the way to death what do you think [13:31] happens when you die well i hope i missed no i mean i mean to you know but i really mean i [13:38] i i understand i mean i think i've done a good job what do you think happens to donald trump when [13:43] you die well again your memory yourself um you mean where i go exactly well i'm a religious person so [13:51] in theory i go to heaven do you think you're going to heaven uh i hope so i don't want to go to hell [13:56] well you are going to hell okay because jesus told us judge not lest ye be judged but in this case [14:12] who are we kidding ye are going to live with the devil himself you are going to hell you are going [14:17] to open your eyes and pray you're watching south park you will be in hell donald trump is a devout [14:23] and religious man we know that because he sells bibles and in 100 years from now on the off chance [14:29] that human life is still a thing what i hope my grandchildren will remember about him is his spirit [14:36] trump a name synonymous with the ultimate in luxury and exclusivity from hotels [14:42] to condominiums to golf resorts and now introducing trump church from supple italian leather pews to our [14:53] sommelier crafted list of sacramental wines trump church offers the body of christ at its most sumptuous [15:00] and opulent catch some divine rays in our 24 karat gold confessional slash tanning boots then wash your [15:08] sins away in our invigorating baptismal font you'll feel born again don't wait for paradise in the next [15:17] life discriminating christians pay to pray at members only trump church and casino trump church god works [15:30] in luxurious ways go for your night annie richter is here tom coin is with us si smith is sitting in with [15:41] the clito we're having a try back with the one and only bill murray so stick around