Trump Brutally Flops at White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Epstein Story Wins Award: A Closer Look

[0:00] Donald Trump spoke at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, [0:03] and his performance was so great, [0:04] everyone was stunned into silence. [0:07] For more on this, it's time for a closer look. [0:10] Before this year, Donald Trump had not been [0:16] to the White House Correspondents' Dinner in a long time, [0:18] ever since some smarmy doofus [0:20] baited him into running for president. [0:22] No, no, no, not me, the other guy. [0:24] Yeah! Happy now, pal? [0:28] But he decided to show up this year [0:30] because it's an evening that celebrates [0:32] a free and fair press, and who's a bigger fan [0:34] of our nation's press than Donald J. [0:36] Wait, what the am I saying? He hates them, right? [0:38] CNN is scum, and so is MSDNC. [0:41] They're all... [0:42] And, frankly, the networks aren't much better. [0:44] It's all fake news. [0:46] You are a rude, terrible person. [0:48] You shouldn't be working for CNN. [0:50] When you report fake news, which CNN does a lot, [0:53] you are the enemy of the people. [0:55] I think you are a terrible reporter. [0:57] You're a terrible person and a terrible reporter. [0:59] So nasty. They're so nasty. [1:01] They're so evil. [1:03] They are actually the enemy of the people. [1:05] They really are. So evil. [1:07] Boy, these people are bad. [1:09] What a group of people we have. [1:11] What a group of dishonest scum we have. [1:14] These people right back there with the phony cameras. [1:18] They're a bunch of phony lowlifes. [1:20] They have fake sources, or they don't have sources. [1:23] I think they make most of it up. [1:25] They really are the enemy of the people. [1:27] Well, they're going to be a very excited audience [1:29] when you come out to tell some jokes. [1:31] Also, the press, why would you invite Trump [1:34] to an event honoring the press and think it was going to go well? [1:37] This is like asking Triumph, the insult comic dog, [1:40] to be your best man and then being surprised [1:43] when he said your bride was a perfect woman for him to poop on. [1:47] So that was the backdrop. [1:49] A press-hating president speaking at an event honoring the press [1:52] held at the Waldorf Astoria, although I'm surprised [1:55] they were able to hold it anywhere, given that Trump and the GOP [1:58] insisted it could only be held in a super expensive ballroom. [2:01] A lot of senators and representatives are now saying, [2:04] this is why we need to get the ballroom back up and running. [2:07] We've got to build that ballroom as soon as possible. [2:09] The ballroom will be a solution for this. [2:12] Being more prepared means having a facility like this ballroom. [2:16] This is one of the reasons why the president has been pushing [2:19] to build this ballroom. [2:20] The president is right about this, [2:22] having the ballroom on the White House grounds. [2:25] A ballroom is imperative. [2:27] This event would never have happened with the militarily top-secret ballroom [2:32] currently under construction at the White House. [2:34] And that ballroom is being built on the safest piece of property in this country, [2:38] probably one of the safest pieces of land in the world. [2:41] It's actually a larger room and it's much more secure. [2:45] It's drone-proof, it's bulletproof glass. [2:48] We need the ballroom. [2:49] As you know, we're building a big, beautiful, very, very secure ballroom [2:53] in every way with massive, bulletproof glass that's almost four inches thick. [2:58] It's pretty amazing stuff. [2:59] Donald Trump doesn't know anything about health care, housing, [3:02] infrastructure, or foreign policy, [3:03] but he knows every detail about this goddamn ballroom, [3:07] down to what type of glass they're using and how thick it is. [3:11] Meanwhile, if you ask him which country we're currently at war with, [3:14] he'll say... [3:14] The Islamic Republic of Japan. [3:19] In fact, Trump is so ballroom-brained [3:23] that he once again used the speech to push for the ballroom, [3:26] which he has now rebranded using a bunch of new words. [3:29] Everyone is now really warming up the new White House [3:34] Military Center Droneport Highly Protected Ballroom. [3:40] Everyone is warming up the what now? [3:43] It used to be the beautiful ballroom. [3:44] Now it's the Military Center Droneport Highly Protected Ballroom. [3:47] Why stop there? [3:49] Why not call it the Mountain Dew Presents [3:50] the Bank of America Military Center Droneport-slash-Ballroom [3:54] in UFC Octagon presented by Doritos? [3:58] In fact, he kept going on and on to complete silence [4:03] about his stupid ballroom. [4:05] It's going to be amazing. [4:06] A phenomenal, one of the biggest drone ports anywhere in the world, [4:10] right on the roof, right protecting the White House. [4:13] Not only the ballroom, and what's underneath. [4:16] You know, it's supposed to be a top military secret, [4:19] what's underneath. [4:20] Room after room of very complex stuff. [4:23] It was the military's dream to have it built. [4:26] I wanted to have a ballroom because, for 150 years, [4:29] they wanted it, and then the generals came to see me, [4:32] and they said, sir, you're building something. [4:33] This gives us an opportunity to do something [4:36] that will be so unbelievable and never happen again. [4:39] Oh, my God. That room is so quiet. [4:42] Is the audience sitting behind four-inch glass? [4:46] Until they took a shot of the crowd, [4:48] I just assumed everyone had left [4:50] to go take a closer look at the ballroom. [4:52] You could both hear a pin drop and see people [4:55] who looked like they just sat on a pin. [4:58] As a comedian, I can tell you, [5:00] these are not good faces to see in an audience. [5:04] Also, all of this rambling is from before [5:07] he started doing his act. [5:08] He's icing his own crowd. [5:09] Trump is the first cool-down comic in history. [5:12] The crowd would have been more warmed up [5:15] if they just rolled out Mitch McConnell. [5:17] Make some noise for your opening act, Mitch McConnell! [5:22] He's going to hold up today's paper to prove he's alive. [5:26] All right, let's roll him back out. [5:27] Good to see you, Mitch. [5:28] So, Trump doesn't have his newly rebranded [5:31] top-secret Droneport Ballroom. [5:33] There was also a minor hiccup when he admitted [5:36] he didn't know what he was supposed to be doing. [5:38] I said, what do we do here? [5:39] Is this supposed to be fun? [5:41] Am I supposed to be serious? [5:43] Am I supposed to be a comedian? [5:44] What you're supposed to do is ask somebody [5:47] all these questions before you go on stage. [5:50] Also, I'm certain you've been to one of these before. [5:53] You tell jokes, give a little speech [5:55] about the First Amendment, and you go home. [5:56] Why are you so confused? [5:57] You sound like a grandpa at Benihana for the first time. [6:01] What am I supposed to do here? [6:03] Do I cook the food myself? [6:05] Does he throw it at ketchup with my mouth? [6:08] I just want to get a hamburger. [6:11] You could tell Trump had no idea what he was supposed [6:13] to be doing because he bombed so bad, [6:16] he kept on his own speech. [6:19] Now, we're going to show you a 90-second clip package. [6:23] You guys, that's way too long for a clip package. [6:25] But just remember, the people in the room were there [6:27] for over an hour. [6:29] So, you know, count yourselves lucky. [6:31] I can exclusively reveal to you this evening that for the heaviest of the heavyweights, [6:37] we will have sloppy Chris Christie, one of the sloppiest human beings you'll ever meet, [6:43] fighting, I would say, I could mention the governor of Chicago, [6:47] but I'm going to mention instead Jerry Nadler. [6:50] And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake, big fat piece of cheesecake. [6:55] Who the hell wrote that line? [6:58] But Senator Warren did not accept our invitation to debate. [7:02] I wanted to debate her on various and sundry things, and she decided not to do it. [7:07] And I decided to bury the hatchet. [7:09] It doesn't matter. [7:11] And she, well, I'm not going to say this next one. [7:16] You want to hear this one? [7:17] How bad? [7:18] She wasn't high up on her totem pole. [7:20] Who the hell wrote that? [7:22] The other day, a senator I knew got a text, a great guy, from his wife. [7:28] And she said, when you get home, I want to have you immediately come up the stairs and [7:34] make love to me. [7:36] And he said, I can't do both. [7:39] You know what the hell, you know? [7:41] In other words, can't go up the stairs and make love. [7:45] Does anybody get that? [7:46] Well, I thought that was actually pretty good. [7:48] That was actually the only thing I thought was good in this whole freaking stupid speech [7:51] that they wrote. [7:54] That was the only good one. [7:55] And that went down with not exactly great laughter. [7:58] I think, you know, in other words, you can't go up the stairs and make love to him. [8:02] So we're looking for term limits. [8:04] Does anybody understand this stuff? [8:06] We understand it less with every word that comes out of your mouth. [8:11] People ask me all the time. [8:13] People ask me all the time if I think Trump is good for comedy. [8:18] I'll say this, he's better for it than he is at it. [8:21] Also, can we pop back to this for a second? [8:24] That was actually the only thing I thought was good in this whole freaking stupid speech [8:28] that they wrote. [8:29] I'm sorry, there was one joke you liked in your whole speech, [8:33] and you still went an hour and five minutes? [8:37] How much time you want to do tonight, Donald? [8:38] Let me see. I got one good one, two maybes, [8:42] and then the rest of it's a pile of dog [8:44] for like 65 minutes. [8:48] For all your talk about building ballrooms, can you not read one? [8:50] Look at these faces. [8:52] Those people want to go home. [8:54] I can't believe I'm saying this, but you might be the first person [8:57] that made a speech that violated the Geneva Conventions. [8:59] By the time it was over, the people in the crowd looked like [9:03] Matt Damon at the end of the Odyssey. [9:07] And Trump didn't just have a rough night at the podium. [9:10] Even when he wasn't speaking, things weren't going great for him. [9:12] Earlier in the night, he had to sit there while reporters [9:14] for the Wall Street Journal accepted an award for their reporting [9:17] on Trump's ties to Jeffrey Epstein, and he did not seem happy. [9:21] The Journal's courageous reporting on President Trump's [9:24] past relationship with financier Jeffrey Epstein [9:28] triggered the release of the so-called Epstein Files, [9:31] thousands of documents that might otherwise have remained [9:34] hidden from the public. [9:36] And despite the President's threat of a lawsuit, [9:39] the Journal published a story about a provocative letter [9:42] to Epstein bearing President Trump's signature. [9:45] Now that's funny. [9:49] That's good. [9:51] I mean, that's really... [9:53] It's both funny the President had to sit there [9:55] while they announced an award for a report on his ties [9:57] to the world's most notorious sex driver. [9:59] It's also funny that when they did, he made that face. [10:02] Looks like a teenager getting a lecture from the principal. [10:06] What are they going to do next? [10:08] Make him write 100 times on a chalkboard? [10:10] I will not send lewd birthday cards to sex offenders. [10:15] Although it got even weirder when, at the end of that clip, [10:17] Trump clapped and shook hands with the reporters [10:20] who wrote the story about his ties to Jeffrey Epstein. [10:23] Well, you got me, guys. [10:43] You know, I was friends with a sex trafficker. [10:46] I tried to cover it. You found the proof. [10:48] And now I'm the one with the air on my face. [10:51] Congratulations, congratulations. [10:53] We're all having fun. [10:54] So, Trump's speech was not a hit, but you know what? [10:57] It's a tough room. Take it from Fox News. [10:59] The losers of the night, I thought, were the room. [11:02] The room was kind of a bunch of duds. [11:03] Yeah, there was no... [11:04] And you see some of the journalists, I was saying, [11:06] oh, they're shaking their head like, [11:07] oh, he's being so mean. Come on. [11:09] Have a little fun, people. [11:11] Yeah, exactly. [11:12] There's always some duds in the crowd. [11:13] Like, I remember the year I did it, [11:15] there was one guy who wouldn't even crack a smile. [11:18] Also, I'm sorry, real quick, real quick, real quick. [11:24] You wanted people to laugh? [11:25] Okay, my question to you is when and at which joke? [11:29] The fat cheesecake one? [11:31] I could mention the governor of Chicago, [11:33] but I'm going to mention instead Jerry Nadler. [11:37] And they're fighting for a big piece of cheesecake. [11:39] Big fat piece of cheesecake. [11:42] Who the hell is the governor of Chicago? [11:45] My man. [11:51] He can't even own setups right. [11:55] How are we supposed to understand the punchlines? [11:59] Did you meet the governor of Chicago on your trip to... [12:01] The Islamic Republic of Japan? [12:04] In order for people to take a joke, you got to make a joke. [12:08] And by the way, don't take it from me that the joke stunk. [12:11] Take it from him. [12:13] Who the hell wrote that line? [12:15] Who the hell wrote that? [12:16] That was the only good one, and that went down with not exactly great laughter. [12:20] But perhaps my favorite review of the night came not from any journalist or pundit, [12:24] but from a caller on C-SPAN who was very direct. [12:28] So what did you hear tonight? [12:29] What was your reaction? [12:31] Um, I thought he was, as usual, he was a bore, he was a chode, and long-winded. [12:42] Got to be. [12:43] I don't know for sure, but that's got to be the first time chode was said on C-SPAN. [12:48] And I bet C-SPAN knew it was coming. [12:51] They were like, should we do viewer calls tonight? [12:53] And they were like, I mean, sure, if you want to hear chode live on air. [12:56] Yeah, why the not? We're chode-span now. [13:00] This is what happens when Trump steps outside of the comfort of his MAGA bubble, [13:06] like when he goes to sporting events or public places and gets booed. [13:09] For 10 years, he's built a comfortable MAGA cocoon to nurture his fragile ego. [13:13] Now, with that said, I would never call the president a chode, [13:16] mostly because his speech was long and thin. [13:18] A chode? This is important. [13:22] It's not always jokes here. [13:25] This is important information about... [13:30] I'll wait till we, I mean, we're going to turn into a bunch of school kids [13:36] while I'm trying to give you important information about chodes. [13:38] President was 65 minutes. I can go longer. [13:43] And with that said, I would never call the president a chode, [13:50] mostly because his speech was long and thin. [13:54] A chode, on the other hand, is short and... [13:56] Four inches thick. [13:59] This has been A Closer Look. [14:02] Hey, guys.