The Jury Just Settled the Jordan vs LeBron GOAT Debate — And It's Not Who You Think — Cancel Court

[00:00:00] Speaker 1: cancel court is an improv comedy show some opinions and statements are exaggerated for entertainment purposes the views expressed on cancel court are solely those of the individuals providing them and do not reflect the opinions of defiant digital or their respective affiliates or employees basically we're going to piss a lot of people off but fuck it cancel court with judge tony towns in this episode the trial of michael jordan versus lebron james when lebron james leaves the team they become a high school roster and now let's go to the courtroom in this quarter with a record of one and one in a suit made out of a tablecloth say hello to ryan davis and in this quarter he's bald he's tall and he's from chicago say hello to tony baker come to order cancel court is now in session with judge tony towns good day ladies and gentlemen we [00:01:16] Speaker 2: are here today to determine who the greatest of all time is is it lebron or michael jordan this debate is for the culture we've heard from skip bayless and shannon sharp we've heard from mike and joy taylor and colin cowherd we've heard from shaq and kenny and charles but now it is up to you to end this debate permanently we have mr ryan davis representing lebron james and we have michael jordan represented by mr tony baker both sides will present factual evidence that will help the jury determine who the goat is i expect that both parties have done their homework and you will present your evidence accurately the prosecution and the defense will have opening statements then the battle will begin we will end with closing arguments once it's completed the jury of your peers will decide the verdict of this case what are the rules in my court there are no rules are we clear yes good we will [00:02:14] Ryan Davis: begin with mr davis thank you judge ladies and gentlemen of the jury i'm here not to tell you why michael jordan isn't a great player i think michael jordan is all-time great jump man you know what i mean shoes i got a ton of jordans space jam i believe i can fly man the gatorade commercials i think jordan every time i think gatorade man i think the mcdonald's commercials with larry bird playing horse incredible branding none of that has anything to do with basketball by the way today we are arguing who's the greater basketball player the nigger with the endorsements or the nigger with all the stats i'm not going to get into lebron james philanthropy we all know about the school uh michael jordan uh gives back not really um top but we don't want to talk about that i want to keep it solely on the court and maybe if people pay attention today they will stop trying to be like mike because who wants to be the second best of all time the defense rests by the way are you wearing michael jordan's now no no no no no no these are these are air force ones the reason i don't um wear lebron's is because he makes an actual basketball shoe and i don't hoop so i you know i dress for comfort you know what i mean i do thank you mr davis there you go [00:04:07] Speaker 2: mr tony baker opening statement sir thank you your honor ladies and gentlemen of the jury [00:04:16] Tony Baker: go everybody loves to say it now it's the thing to say oh that's the goat you the goat you can be the goat of anything pumping gas you the goat on pump five man you drive off and live your little life after that it's overused everybody wants to be the goat in everything but everybody's not great michael jordan is we all know this everybody that has come after michael jordan is trying to be michael jordan including lebron james what's the jersey number 23. who had that jersey number jordan hey hey hey let me be in space jam okay we'll see how it works out we all know what happens to movies when they get recast they bomb remember home alone three you don't because it wasn't kevin remember house party four with immature bombs barbie where's kid in play yeah you got the looney tunes pulling up but where's jordan we don't want no soft cameo okay cameos don't always work look at coming to america too but we're not gonna get into that michael jordan is the greatest of all time because he transcended the sport now ryan davis is gonna probably slaughter me up with stats numbers figures all this gobbledygook of just numbers nobody cares about unless you get paid by the nba or sports center who we talking about who do we say when we shooting trash in the trash can jordan don't nobody say lebron you want to say lebron but you got to dunk that trash in there and everybody can't dunk you don't want to tear your meniscus in the counts receiving trying to be lebron lebron was built for the sport look at it look at his height look at his build look at his weight he's destined for greatness jordan is tall but you know he was getting manhandled out there slung around in the different times the 80s on the basketball court that was street life that was the hood that was the swap meet the pistons of the 1980s had brass knuckles knives nunchucks on the court jordan was still out there but we're gonna get into all of that okay we all know what it is if we want to talk about numbers jordan has them as soon as he came in the game he came in with numbers he came in with numbers like the count on sesame street i had to prove to you without a shadow of a doubt that michael jordan is the greatest of all time [00:07:13] Speaker 1: thank you yeah thank you mr baker tony baker did not come to around cancel court we'll be right back [00:07:25] Speaker 2: mr davis [00:07:29] Ryan Davis: well gotta love the pageantry because that's what he's going to try to sell you on he's going to talk about michael jordan like this nigger is santa claus but let's look at the facts everybody knows what evolution is right as time goes on people get better at things the playing field gets harder gets greater michael jordan played a lot of white guys and let's be honest that's not what the nba at its toughest actually looks like lebron james carmelo anthony kevin durant james harden you can name some of the greatest two guards and small forwards to ever play the game you know who they played against lebron you know who michael jordan played against dan marley craig elo you hear me like danny age are we being serious these were starters by the way oh my god oh the competition was stiff for michael jordan all these great guards he had to overcome to be great he never even had real competition at his position the best two guard that he ever played against in his prime was reggie miller who only shoots threes reggie miller is six foot seven and there's no dunk recorded of reggie miller in his entire career that was his greatest athletic competition through the prime of his career let's be serious lebron james has made it to the finals 10 times in 17 years some people would go oh my god but but jordan won six yeah he went six that's it just six and he just so happened to be on the better team six times but you let jordan fans tell you jordan was the only on the court playing five on one he never lost ever he played 15 years has six rings but never lost you figure out that math that shit makes no sense to me sounds like a nigga lost nine times but i could be incorrect it's sad i pointed out the competition that he had to play against people act like he didn't have anybody to play with like scotty pippen wasn't as great as scotty pippen is when jordan was there they won 57 this nigga left they won 55 games and was a bad call away from going back to the finals without this nigga when lebron james leaves the team they become a high school roster if the team think about this the team without him can't make the playoffs team with him in the finals i'm sure if he joined a 55 win team without him that they'd win the finals imagine having 55 win team and then add you the best player in the league if you don't win the title nigger who are you scotty pippen was an mvp candidate mvp candidate when jordan left they were like yeah but all he had was pippen soon as jordan left horace grant became an all-star bj armstrong became an all-star oh yeah both them niggas was on the team jordan played on by the way technically they had four all-stars with the nigger ball hog so much two of the niggas couldn't make it that is the truth about jordan that's all i'm saying it's the myth [00:11:48] Speaker 1: your honor the defense arrests oh ryan davis is back in his bag [00:11:59] Speaker 2: mr baker those are some serious serious points i mean do you have anything you would like to [00:12:05] Tony Baker: counter that oh absolutely i've been waiting for this he brings up scotty pippen scotty pippen is probably my favorite nba player of all time you don't win that many championships without scotty pippen but he was homegrown organically lebron out here looking for the best players so i can win a championship final because yes he's going to the championship 10 times and won four four and ten that's failure any way you slice it you take a 10 question quiz you get four right you fail nice showing up to the big game but if you don't take home the big ring nobody cares thanks for showing up and we all know the east was shaking lebron just coming every year it got boring they call him not clutch for a reason he wasn't getting it done jordan got it done every time are we in the finals i'm gonna get it done and he got it done three-peat right jordan was so good white socks was like hey man you know you play baseball come through he's like all right you know he on the baseball team chill jordan came back and won three in a row you know how hard it is to win three championships in a row lebron i don't know what that feels like because he can never do it he can never get it done he hasn't got it done yet i mean here and there yeah i won here and then i took next year i lost here's the thing about jordan man he left came back jordan made basketball interesting to people that could care less about basketball the whitest of the whitest individuals of all time was like jordan he was the reason the usa basketball team went to the olympics like we we ain't gonna do it without jordan jordan's like all right i'll do it now he's cracking overseas this is what jordan did jordan is a beast lebron is good but you know he'd be flopping overselling the fouls making it a soft nba game you know what i'm saying jordan was taking the hits and the stabbers yeah he was fussing but that's what they do when you get a foul called on you like oakley he would stab somebody on the court and be like what wait ref what do you mean what do you mean blood on the knife pancreas pieces all on the blade he was like what you talking about ref that's the culture he came up in you know why jordan's eyes are so red on that little documentary because he was laser focused he's a killer he don't care about nothing but winning lebron out here looking for who's hot yo kyrie hey man let's link up man i just need a little bit of help come on y'all jordan was like hey man y'all come to me i ain't going no way and they was like all right and pippen came in he was a baby deer coming into the league he was like his knees were slamming together turned into one of the best players of all time organically it's easy to be like yeah we winning now because you're getting the hottest players on the streets all the bulls got we's like yeah we'll take rodman because he's a killer he robbed people in alleyways after every nba game he didn't give a damn man he had herpes chlamydia syphilis all at the same time the best record of all time chicago bulls till the warriors recently passed it but best record of all time speaks for itself come on now jordan man his career average is over 30 points a game career average jordan is a killer he creates other killers kobe bryant is another laser focused legendary killer that was born from jordan he will create a whole storyline just to beat the other team oh you ain't gonna say what's up to me all right 43 points that night he created personal vendettas to win the game lebron living too good now he ain't got no vendettas the only vendetta he got is that receding hairline that's his only vendetta the shoe polish jordan was bold and proud and that makes me proud i rest my case [00:16:43] Speaker 2: before you take your seat i have a question that i wanted to ask you because it's interesting that life before scotty pippen and dennis robin was a little bit rough so i'm going to read you some facts that was entered into the court cute case that i want you to speak on and talk about it says here that you're doing that because that was my next point let me know if these facts are correct in 1984 and correct me if i'm wrong jordan was eliminated in the first round he was in 1985 jordan was eliminated in the first round okay in 1986 jordan was eliminated in the first round okay in 1987 jordan was eliminated in the second round in 1988 jordan was eliminated in the third round in 1989 he was eliminated in the third round in 2002 jordan doesn't make the playoffs with the washington wizards right could you explain those facts it seems a little bit heavy from mr jordan easy work you know what i'm saying like he said [00:17:38] Tony Baker: you need a good team okay jordan needed a solid team so you could be like oh but lebron didn't need a team to go to the championship and lose you're still a loser whether you go to the playoffs and get out early okay what does that really mean he didn't make it as far so what lebron didn't win those championships the goal of an nba season is not the playoffs the goal is to win a championship lebron can go to the final game all day and night did you win when the confetti's coming down and they kissing and pouring champagne lebron was in the locker room getting dressed until he manufactured some star players that come around him just to give him that little boost that he needed hey he talking about jordan only played with white players but hakeem olajuwon are you kidding me [00:18:38] Ryan Davis: he was isaiah thomas he won the both of them won chips against jordan magic johnson he also won [00:18:44] Tony Baker: order in the court mr davis who was on the lakers squad when jordan won his first championship [00:18:53] Speaker 1: magic johnson i'll rest my case you know cancel court will be right back [00:19:05] Ryan Davis: mr davis oh man my opponent is formidable you know makes a lot of points he would like you to believe that coming in second is the same as coming in 12th i think we would all agree that that's a lie getting blown out isn't the same as being close to victory all right now we talk about who jordan beat and all of this stuff right never beat larry bird larry bird doesn't even know what it's like to lose the jordan he has no idea ask him when everybody's like yeah jordan beat me he was just like really never got a game not a single game against the boston celtics nobody ever brings that up he's not a loser somehow for that tried to on horace grant horace grant i told you dropped the 18 and 11. how many players is dropping 18 and 11 now not a lot but after he did that what did jordan do hey dennis we need you that nigger killing us and he went out and recruited a two-time defensive player of the year one of the greatest rebounders in nba history how great since 1979 um i believe about 16 17 rebounds a game has been done five times since 1979 you know all the players who did that just dennis you added that nigger to the team and we're gonna act like oh dennis was nobody also has five rings by the way two of which he won by beating jordan on the way there jordan went and got a nigger he couldn't beat to join his team if you can't beat him join him i guess then they go 72 and 10 and they end up beating the supersonics in the finals they asked the coach of the supersonics george carl what happened does he say michael jordan was unstoppable nope says we can't keep dennis rodman off the glass and it's killing us but michael jordan boy he sure can score you're right he can score he really can score he led his team in points all the time you know and that's way better than scotty who led the team in rebounds sis uh steals blocks he had every statistical category better than jordan except points you know who lebron's second best player had more than him nothing i remember him losing to the golden state warriors where he was going in with a guy named matthew de la vadova know who he is absolutely not because kyrie got hurt and kevin love got hurt and in that series lebron didn't lead his team let every player who played in the series in points rebounds blocks assists steals not in a game for the entire series do you know there's in the league just to rebound just to block just to steal he did just to score nobody did more than this nigger in every statistical category and he lost and my opponent will allow you will want you to believe just don't have what it takes it's the myth for me man constantly they want you to believe that michael jordan is magical he's magical speaking of magic you're right he did beat magic johnson in the first championship he won you ever ask magic johnson why they lost when you interview him what did he say well scotty pippen decided to pick him up full court he made it very difficult for us to run they were called the showtime lakers if they're not able to run there's no show he didn't say michael jordan shut us down he said that nigger scotty pippen stopped me from doing anything but if you ask a jordan fan he was out there by himself come on man let's be serious he's an incredible scorer i give him that that man can really score he can really score matter of fact he's higher than lebron james no he's not higher than lebron james on the scoring list did you know lebron passed him with less shots well you look at the stats lebron james has a higher field goal percentage has a higher three point percentage but i thought only do his dunk how is he a better long distance shooter than your airness your goat you see people just want you to believe in the myth lebron james is the greatest athlete i've ever seen period y'all remember larry hughes that's a joke larry hughes averaged 14 points a game and only played half of that series in the finals he didn't even have his second best guy who was barely any a second best guy michael jordan though who did he have people like to say he added dennis rodman do you know he also added tony kukoc who was considered the best european player or the best foreign player in the entire world at the time he also had ron harper who was averaging 20 points a game almost 20 points a game when he came down to the bulls and once michael jordan came then he had to give his shots away so his stats doesn't look as good as it once was that's cool i understand that he also had steve kerr you know what steve kerr is statistically the most accurate three-point shooter in the history of basketball man they should have got jordan some help these niggas suck lebron james whenever he leaves a team they turn into a soccer team not even basketball you know what i like about my truths they're so hard that the bailiff is choking on it oh my god she's like this is a lot to take you're right and i understand get her some water just grab that water go water help her out no no i got her i got her because i did it there you go thank you mr won't you tell him about the magical shoes he puts on and he flies through the air because because you know they'll say that lebron james is what do you think he's gonna do it right now i don't even know the name of the coach of the lakers right now and that nigga got a ring because of lebron james and like everybody was doing that they called him air jordan they call them that because everybody jumped like that of course not none of the white guys he was playing against jump like that lebron james 10 finals appearances david black tyron lu eric spolstra i don't even know the name of the the coach of the lakers right now and that nigga got a ring because of lebron james frank vogel five coaches have made it to the finals due to lebron james phil jackson did he ever win rings without michael jordan of course he did it has any of lebron james coaches sniffed a ring since this nigga been on the team absolutely not oh lord i object y'all eric spolstra made it to the finals who did he lose to lebron james what are you talking about he sniffed the ring no no no he sniffed the ring no that's uh uh i was sniffing distance series wasn't even close calm down series wasn't even close he was there michael jordan got scotty pippen and horace grant you know what scotty pippen and horace grant were lottery picks both of them top 10 in the draft do you know how bad your team has to be to get top 10 in the draft lebron has no idea but let my opponent tell you scotty pippen was bowlegged and uncoordinated before he came to the bulls i guess so man uh six rings is great man six rings is great i have no argument for that bill russell got 11 though and you ain't making an argument for him the defense rest damn lebron might have to cut this [00:28:00] Speaker 1: nigga a check cancel court we'll be right back mr baker closing statements please bill russell [00:28:11] Tony Baker: knows how to go to a championship game and actually win bill russell has gone to the big game how many times 12 13 i believe 12 or 13 12 13 right 111 though yeah bill russell knows how to go to the big game and win with the passing school played a lot of white guys it doesn't matter you go to win the championship we can make this about race but that's a different uh courtroom issue throwing in the white all the white guys are trash and then you praise a white guy to make your point stronger larry bird very interesting that's the white guy the ultimate white guy right you mentioned jordan getting swept in the playoffs that's never happened in lebron finals has lebron never been swept in the finals yes in the finals okay he was swept yeah the broom was brought out the custodian with the big ass keys came and collected his yes the greatest of all time swept in the finals yeah has jordan ever been swept in the finals well you gotta get there has jordan you gotta get there to be has jordan ever been swept in the finals no the bulls were not swept in the finals no extras no salt no seasoning salt no see-saw no parsley has he ever been swept in the big game even when he opened it up he was like let's take everything else off the table and focus on basketball because he knew that jordan's greatness transcends the game jordan's jays that's just synonymous with life now you got the jays on it's a goddamn now you forget that it's attached to a human being right i see you out here with the jays on everybody's uplifting when you got the jays on the lebron's a lot of people can't even recognize him what are those are lebron's oh okay he's got shoes cool lebron is a fantastic individual great family man jordan probably don't even care about his kids i don't even know doesn't matter to us it's not my family anyway whether he was a good dad or a bad dad his eyes are red i don't know nothing about him he's an asshole he smokes cigars lebron is a role model he's great he cares about the black community he's dope on the court and off great individual great teammate and absolutely amazing but goddamn michael joy he changed our lives lebron want to make something that hot he's gonna have to bring out a shoe polish for the hair the shoe polish sevens the carl malone the lebron lebron passed carl malone right didn't jordan play against carl malone and beat him yes oh oh oh but no but you let him tell it i object [00:31:18] Ryan Davis: you want to take a look at the corner in the quarter in the corner john stockton jerk hornacek greg oster tag were all starters on that team three white guys who's number two on the scoring charts [00:31:28] Tony Baker: is it hornacek is it john stockton with his assist it's carl malone's big ass his big black country ass stop painting this picture that jordan was up against a segregated team from the south the whole nba time like he was playing the clan by himself don't you do that ryan davis you do a disservice to the legends in the game the black legends thank you mr baker thank you that concludes [00:32:02] Speaker 2: this case at this time i am ordering the jury the people to make a sound decision based off the evidence you received you're going to decide who's the greatest of all time is it michael jordan who is represented by mr tony baker or is it lebron james who is represented by mr ryan davis with that being said we're going to get this debate canceled permanently today all those in favor of lebron raise your right hand and say aye all right all those who are in favor of michael jordan being the greatest of all time say aye according to this court and the jury appears it appears that lebron james is considered the greatest of all time the debate ends here court is adjourned [00:33:07] Ryan Davis: all right welcome back thank you i feel great about what we were able to accomplish today i want you guys to remember that lebron being the greatest player of all time has absolutely nothing to do with michael jordan's greatness so i feel like the verdict was trash when we talk about the greatest of all time there would have been no jordan without dr j there would be no lebron without jordan i feel like those people that were on the fence i could have swayed them with one more go up just like there would be no denzel washington without sydney portier so i feel kind of played but let's not pretend that denzel washington isn't better than sydney portier but i'll i'll say it again jordan is the greatest of all time michael jordan is a major part of the culture what he did was phenomenal for the sport but to act like lebron james isn't the best player you've ever seen in your life it's just hate lebron can be that he's just not there yet and today we were able to put an end to that that hate and isn't that what justice is