President Xi Tells Trump U.S. & China Should Be Partners, Trump Wants 250 Pardons for U.S. Birthday

[0:00] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to The Tonight Show! [0:03] This is it! [0:04] Hi, you're here. You made it. [0:08] Well, everyone, President Trump kicked off his visit to China [0:11] by spending the day with Chinese President Xi Jinping. [0:14] And at one point, they toured [0:15] Beijing's historic Temple of Heaven. [0:18] Yeah. And it's much different than Trump's Temple of Heaven, [0:21] which is a tanning bed inside a ball pit of McNuggets. [0:27] Can we see a photo of China's Temple of Heaven? [0:30] Yeah. Trump saw those stares and was like, [0:32] You got to be kidding me, bud. I got a nosebleed. [0:39] Xi's just H-Ping. That's a lot of stares. [0:42] Right away, he was like, [0:45] You have one of those stair jazzies? [0:47] Meanwhile, both leaders sat down for a two-hour meeting, [0:50] and President Xi said that U.S.-China relations [0:52] will be defined by stability. [0:55] Yeah. Because when you think of Trump, you think stability. [0:57] Yeah. Yep. President Xi talked about a future [1:02] where China and the U.S. can work together, [1:04] first with President Trump [1:06] and eventually with President Spencer Pratt. [1:12] Of course, one of the big topics [1:14] the president discussed was Taiwan. [1:16] Then Pete Hexeth leaned in and said, [1:18] I want a Taiwanan right now. [1:21] Come on. That's not... [1:22] Come on. [1:24] Yeah, but President Xi said that the U.S. and China [1:26] should be partners, not rivals. [1:28] And Trump took it a step further and said, [1:30] I think of us as dictators with benefits. [1:35] Meanwhile, the White House said the focus of Trump's visit [1:38] should be the three T's, trade, technology, and Taiwan. [1:42] We actually got audio of the two leaders talking about them. [1:45] Listen to this. [1:46] President Trump, it's time to discuss the three T's. [1:48] Trump, Trump, and Trump. [1:50] No. [1:50] Tic-Tac-Toe. [1:51] No. [1:52] Tic-Tac, Temu, and Tinder. [1:53] No. [1:54] Tostitos, Takis, and Tater Tocs. [1:55] No. [1:56] Tim Tebow, Tina Turner, and Timothee Chalamet. [1:58] No. [1:59] Tim the Tool Man Talon. [2:00] No. [2:00] Thomas the Tank Tengen. [2:02] No. [2:02] Kim, Courtney, and Chloe. [2:03] Wrong letter. [2:04] Tony, Tony, Tona. [2:05] No. [2:05] Taylor, Travis, totally invited to their wedding. [2:07] Really? [2:08] No. Sad. [2:09] Maybe we should move on. [2:09] No. I know it. [2:10] Trade? [2:11] Yes. [2:12] Technology? [2:12] Yes. [2:13] And Taco Bell. [2:14] Close enough. [2:15] Yay! [2:16] Interesting how they got to it. [2:18] Close. [2:20] Did you see this? [2:24] Apparently, Trump might issue 250 pardons to mark America's 250th anniversary. [2:30] Trump said, not to worry, they're all turkeys. [2:33] Gobbles, waddles, Mr. Beaks, you're free to go. [2:38] Some more political news. [2:39] Trump just demanded that a Republican staffer, Robert Karam, be fired for making Mitch McConnell [2:44] look out of it during a Senate hearing. [2:47] Here to discuss this is Robert Karam's lawyer, Stuart Anders. [2:50] Thank you for being here, Mr. Anders. [2:52] Thank you. [2:53] Thanks, Jimmy. [2:56] You know, Jimmy, you know, I just want to say right off the bat, my client did not make [3:02] Mitch McConnell look, quote, out of it. [3:04] Okay. [3:06] He just happened to notice that Mitch McConnell was giving mummy on weed gummy. [3:13] So he just stepped over to make sure Mitch was still with us. [3:17] So you're denying that your client made him look out of it? [3:25] Oh, categorically. [3:26] I mean, sure, my client looked over and thought, man, Mitch McConnell looks like a turtle got [3:32] into the Benadryl. [3:33] But he didn't say it out loud. [3:35] Yeah, but you just did. [3:38] Prove it. [3:40] Now look, if my client inadvertently made Mitch McConnell look like a grandfather clock stuck [3:47] in the middle of a rave, we will own that. [3:51] But he shouldn't be fired over it. [3:53] I think you should probably stop talking. [3:54] I don't think you're doing your client any favors. [3:56] You're making it worse. [3:58] How? [3:59] All I'm saying is my client looked over and thought, is that the cursed wax figure of a [4:05] man who fell asleep while inventing unflavored oatmeal? [4:08] No. [4:09] That's Mitch McConnell. [4:11] Maybe I should go over and give him a poke. [4:15] Now you're going to fire him for giving a little poke to an opera house gargoyle who [4:21] just took way too big a bong hit? [4:23] That don't make no sense. [4:25] Now to a Victorian undertaker who just crawled out of a tauntaun. [4:29] All right. [4:30] That's enough. [4:31] That's enough. [4:32] Robert Karam's lawyer, everybody. [4:33] Just stop talking. [4:34] Is it hot? [4:36] It's hot. [4:37] Is it hot where it is? [4:38] It must be very hot. [4:39] It must be very hot over here. [4:40] Yeah. [4:41] Maybe you should go find some air. [4:42] I just saw a sleep paralysis demon who just donated blood. [4:46] Stop saying what he looked like. [4:50] All I'm saying, man. [4:52] Yes, I know. [4:53] I heard you. [4:54] No, is that if you run into a busted Chuck E. Cheese animatronic. [4:57] All right. [4:58] Thank you. [4:59] No, no, no. [5:00] We're good. [5:01] Thank you. [5:06] Just please, Lee. [5:07] Just go. [5:08] For drugs like Ozempic, people are eating out less. [5:11] And even when they do, they're ordering smaller portions and skipping alcohol. [5:14] Oh. [5:15] Yeah. [5:16] It's already affecting the restaurant business. [5:17] I'll show you what I mean. [5:18] For instance, Chipotle always has chips and salsa. [5:20] Now they're offering chip and salsa. [5:22] Wow. [5:24] Just do what I'm saying? [5:25] Yeah. [5:26] The Olive Garden used to offer endless soup, salad, and breadsticks. [5:28] But now they're offering just that weird pepper from the salad. [5:31] Oh. [5:32] A little pepper-cini. [5:33] That's all. [5:34] Yeah, that's all they're offering. [5:35] Yeah. [5:36] And lastly, KFC is known for their eight-piece buckets. [5:38] Now they're offering one-piece thimble. [5:40] So there you have it, everybody. [5:41] We have a great show. [5:42] Give it up for the Ruth Red Dog. [5:44] She's been making the rocket, my favorite cartoon. [5:47] After marriage, the honeymoon. [5:49] Only your mind just gagged me with a spoon. [5:52] And tell me who lost Popeye, Addison Goon. [5:54] What a show we have for you tonight. [5:59] He is the co-anchor of Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live. [6:03] Yes! [6:04] You can now see him in the new movie The Breadwinner, [6:10] which is in theaters May 29th. [6:12] Colin Jost is here this evening! [6:15] She is a very talented actress who stars in the new movie [6:22] Jack Ryan Ghost War, which begins streaming on Prime Video [6:26] May 20th. [6:27] Sienna Miller is joining us. [6:29] One of my all-time faves. [6:31] One of my all-time. Love it. [6:32] And we have great music tonight. [6:35] Oh, my goodness, from AZ and Nas! [6:38] Oh! [6:39] AZ and Nas, come on! [6:43] What a show. [6:45] Hey, guys, it's time to play the world's simplest game, [6:48] where I ask audience member one trivia question, [6:50] and if they get it right, the entire audience [6:52] goes home with a prize. [6:53] It's time to play one answer only! [6:56] Hello. What is your name and where are you from? [7:08] Sydney, and I'm from Cortland, Ohio. [7:10] Yeah! Welcome, Sydney. Now, okay, you heard the rules. [7:15] I will ask you a single trivia question and give you possible answers. [7:19] If you guessed correctly, everyone in our audience wins a prize. [7:22] It's that evening. [7:24] Ready? Are you ready to play? [7:25] Yeah! [7:29] Alright, here we go. Here is the question. [7:31] This sequel about the fashion industry was just released and stars Meryl Streep, [7:36] Anne Hathaway, and Stanley Tucci. [7:38] Is it A, Mortal Kombat 2? [7:41] Is it B, Sheep Detectives? [7:44] Is it C, the Super Mario Galaxy movie? [7:48] Or is it D, The Mummy? [7:51] Or E, Air Bud. [7:55] F, Air Bud Strikes Back. [8:00] G, that hopping light from the Pixar intro. [8:06] H, the Berenstain Bears. [8:10] I, the Berenstein Bears. [8:13] J, the character Bosch. [8:18] K, Bob's Discount Furniture and Mattress Store. [8:24] L, the website Temu. [8:27] M, Harold Potter. [8:31] Not the famous boy wizard who went by Harry. [8:34] Harold Potter was my ninth grade geometry teacher. [8:37] Or is it N, a bunch of leftover orange wedges from a pee-wee soccer game? [8:43] Is it O, the soft hum of a dishwasher? [8:47] Not loud enough to interrupt anything. [8:49] Just a steady, low reminder that something in your life is being handled without your input. [8:53] You did your part by rinsing the dishes, and now it's up to this machine to ever so quietly finish the job. [9:00] Is it P, a waiter who sees an empty plate and says, [9:04] Guess someone didn't like their meal? [9:06] Oh, sorry. We'll be right back after this brief message. [9:11] Hello. Proper desk posture is incredibly important. [9:16] Sit upright, keep your feet flat, and position your screen at eye level. [9:21] You're welcome. [9:22] That's so important to remember. [9:26] Now, back to the game. [9:29] Or is it Q, peeling that little sticker off a piece of fruit but not getting the entire thing off and wondering if it's even that big of a deal you eat a little paper? [9:37] R, making brief but still awkward eye contact with the guy delivering your Uber Eats order? [9:44] Or S, the devil wears Prada, too? [9:49] Let's put 45 minutes on the clock, but if you know the answer, you can answer immediately. [10:02] Immediately. [10:03] S. [10:06] Judges? [10:17] Congratulations! [10:18] Great job!