Darrell Brooks speaks at his sentencing hearing

[00:00:00] Speaker 1: Mr Brooks I'll turn it over to you then this is your opportunity to address the court what if [00:00:09] Mr. Brooks: anything would you like to say sir I do have a lot to say I would like to stand up if I may it's emotional I apologize for taking so long I want to start first by giving glory to God I believe in Jesus Christ wholeheartedly I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God I believe that he was sent here by the father to die for all of our sins everybody everybody in his courtroom today everyone walking this planet mostly for those of us who will believe I believe that he was crucified on the cross at Calvary he shed his blood on that cross and he died and he was buried and then he rose again after three days to glory took his glorious place at the right hand of the father the Bible says that he was exalted given the name that is above all names so that the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in heaven on earth and under the earth and every tongue shall confess that Jesus is Lord to the glory of God the father it's not just something that I was taught by my family it's something I believe in my heart I just want to clarify one thing a lot of references was made to one of the things I said regarding my consciousness being clear and having the time to think about it last night and to understand that the victims have the right to feel how they want to feel they have the right to their opinions and understanding that there's a lot of emotion pain frustration anger hatred a lot of a lot of emotions but I don't want that comment to be twisted I don't want that comment to become another narrative that's ran with and taken out of context that comment was made is because I made the decision to rededicate my life to Christ when this tragedy happened in no way did that comment refer to not having any remorse not having any understanding it was strictly it was strictly made to that point that I have repented that I have asked God for forgiveness that I have sent many prayers learning how to wrap my head around this whole situation has been extremely hard extremely hard you get minimal time to well reflect in in a place like this but one of those minimal times that you get to reflect in a place like this when you're alone in yourself when it's just you in the walls one of the victims made a comment about trying to understand why this happened that's a question I struggle with myself the why the how how could life ever get this far away from what it should be regardless of what a lot of people may think about me about who I am about my family about my beliefs I know who I am God knows who I am and I don't have any words of anger any any shots so to speak to throw back as I said before I had to look inside myself and understand why the comments was being made why people feel the way they feel and they have the right to if I may if I may [00:08:28] Speaker 1: turn forward sir I don't know that they're ready for that yet [00:08:34] Mr. Brooks: I think it's important to state why I did want to turn comment was made about this mask it's something that I've warned the whole year of this incident I don't well I'm not gonna say I'm not gonna say don't but I don't feel like I needed to go in too while chose to wear this there are a lot of different reasons why but it definitely has nothing to do with hiding anything there is nothing to hide when when you're on TV every day when your life is being dissected for the world to see when your family is on TV every day in some capacity when you're pretty much every social media platform what is there to hide from I want each and every victim in this incident family members those who lost loved ones those who are still healing I want you to know that no matter how you felt during this this year no matter how you felt yesterday I want everyone to know also the community of Waukesha I want you to know that not only am I sorry for what happened I'm sorry that you could not see [00:11:32] Speaker 1: what's [00:11:36] Mr. Brooks: truly in my heart that you cannot see the remorse that I have that you cannot listen to all the phone calls that I've made to my family that you cannot hear all the prayers that I've said in my sale that you cannot count all the tears that I've dropped in this year the truth is hard a lot of times I'm not a very old by by age standards but I've been alive long enough to understand that a lot of people are comfortable with hearing what they want to hear being told what they wanted what they want to be told what they know what they put out there it's harder to pull back the veil it's harder to look deeper than the surface and regardless to the truth I understand that there are many people that would never forgive what happened I have to be okay with that and I hold no ill will towards them for that I have to be okay with the fact that people will be angry some for a long time some forever I think it was clear um with respects to how I'm viewed I will not respond to those comments in anger either I want to also say that it is not me that can take any pain away replace what was lost give back joy happiness to so many other things that was lost that day I think all that comes with belief in Christ I believe that all that comes with time it's [00:15:45] Speaker ?: it's [00:15:45] Mr. Brooks: a process it's a process that we all have to go through I noticed a lot of things that I've said over the duration of this trial where there's a lot of misconception I don't consider myself to be a man of God yet it's something that I'm learning with time with faith with study Lord willing I will make it to that point at God's appointed time something that I'm learning for anyone that doesn't think that I've spent time in the scriptures even before this you're mistaken passages were quoted from Romans 623 in particular the wages of sin is death the wages of sin is death that's Romans 623 it's a verse I'm very familiar with and I've read numerous times countless other passages are all passages that I'm familiar with thing about scripture is not only studying and reading it it's about applying it to your life applying it it's not about just reading it or being able to quote it it's about living it at times during this doing all these proceedings mostly trial I've become frustrated at times I want you your honor to know I want the entire court to know that regardless to what you may think about those particular incidents they were not personal being here throughout this year and the constant learning how to deal with everything learning [00:19:51] Speaker ?: learning [00:19:51] Mr. Brooks: how to take everything in what you see what you hear things being shouted at you the threats and you know everything that you have to deal with just being here it was like a culmination sometimes you get so frustrated because you feel like your hands are tied you don't know what to do and for a person like me it's easily for me to get to that point and so they would come out in frustration I take responsibility for that and apologize to you your honor in the court nothing about it was personal it was a part of me that felt that I haven't been able to defend myself and I think it was just the pot boiling over I was wrong for not being able to control myself the times that I wasn't me for for long as I can't remember I've dealt with a lot of issues and going back to what I said a little bit earlier about what people [00:22:19] Speaker ?: what people [00:22:19] Mr. Brooks: see on the surface a lot of people don't understand what it is to battle mental health issues not not just that but the difficulties of life in general the childhood I had not having a father having to see my mom sometimes work two and three jobs just to be able to support us I remember being a child and me and my sister my mom only had two children my sisters passed away but I remember being a child and me and my sister and my mom standing in the welfare line to get milk to get cheese bread spam and when you're a kid you don't understand that you think it's normal I remember living in apartment buildings infested with rodents and bugs pouring cereal in your bowl and having bugs in it [00:24:32] Speaker ?: a [00:24:38] Mr. Brooks: lot of people weren't raised like that so it would be hard for them to pull back that veil and understand that physical [00:24:56] Speaker ?: physical [00:24:56] Mr. Brooks: abuse by the people that are supposed to love you trying to understand why your mind thinks the way it does why you don't comprehend certain things why no one can provide the answers that you that you want fact of the matter is I have at times been medicated have been in mental health facilities only for a short time I can honestly say that life was better it helped I think when you going through something mentally that you don't understand it always helps when you have people not so much that can relate that also helps but it's it's more it's not the relating part of it it's more of the that you can feel comfortable being yourself with someone to listen someone to tell you that hey it's alright you can't let your guard down it's [00:27:53] Speaker ?: it's [00:27:53] Mr. Brooks: a lot it's a lot and back to what I said about truth people are going to like I said believe what they want and that's okay this needs to be said what happened on November 21st 2021 was not not not an attack it was not planned plotted when you constantly hear that perpetuated constantly pushed constantly pushed constantly pushed you wonder why why this was not an attack this was not an intentional act no matter how many times you said over and over it was not I have a lot of and this has nothing to do with the victims the families of the victims and as a matter of fact I'm grateful that they had the opportunity to voice their opinions and their frustrations and their angers because I believe and hopefully that that will alleviate some of the wounds I could I could never point a finger at them and say they're wrong for what they said their opinions how they feel never and I won't do it I won't do it now and I won't do it ever they're well within their rights to feel how they feel I felt a lot of frustration and anger yesterday not towards any of the victims it was towards Miss Susan L opera and I won't even throw shots back at her again I choose to take the high road in spite of the clear language that was used by her not going to fire back not going to do that am I angry hell yeah hell yeah but so what when it boils down to it the whole prosecution team had a job to do can't be mad at somebody doing their job attorney daisy attorney which I respect you guys regardless of what you may feel about me I respect you guys I really do I respect you too attorney opera the difference between the all you all you guys is you attorney opera I don't respect how you did your job and I never will but I refuse to get in a name calling I refuse to raise my voice I refuse to do any of that and I realized that last night the part of me that I don't understand why it goes the way it goes had every intention to come in here and lay into you out of frustration and out of the fact of feeling that I needed to defend myself by some of the things you said how you had the audacity to speak on situations that had nothing to do with this tragedy as if you were there as if you had intimate details as if you knew everything that led up to those allegations just by reading the police report I think every situation is unique in its own way it all has different circumstances that that leads to ultimately what ends up happening reading the police report doesn't give you the right to pass judgment on a situation that frankly is none of your concern honestly [00:36:52] Speaker ?: honestly [00:36:52] Mr. Brooks: you would think for someone that's been doing your job as long as you have you would think you would understand that you would think that you have some kind of integrity even with that not going to bash not going to say anything disrespectful not going to call you anything other than your god given name as far as the integrity though I won't ever be able to wrap my head around why you did things the way you did it made reference to this being an opening shut clay opening shut case yet you needed a whole team to prosecute an opening shut case as you say and again no disrespect to attorney [00:39:21] Speaker ?: attorney [00:39:21] Mr. Brooks: with child I feel like they was the reasons why your case had any strong points not from you 31 years you said well well yeah you did say 31 years that you've you've done this 31 years I don't believe you're that bright yet I respect you having the resolve to take on something of this magnitude for this community can't do nothing but respect that and regardless when I leave this courtroom I have no ill feelings with anyone I know this is being live streamed I believe even in other countries I I've gotten some mail from Germany Belgium a lot of it hate mail which doesn't I stopped reading it months ago so it doesn't really affect me it's relevant I do want to say something to everybody watching as far as those who take the time spend the energy and money to write and spew hate not just against myself but my family my children I have no value in anything that you say doesn't bother me doesn't affect me keep up the bad work to everyone else the people that have sent letters of support I thank you for that because it's not an easy thing to show love and support to someone who's the most hated man on the planet at this point right now in time it's not easy it takes a lot of courage to do that I thank you for that my family thanks you for that I want to say to the mother of my children [00:43:59] Speaker 1: the [00:44:01] Mr. Brooks: mothers excuse me of my children obviously I think you I think I should start with the obvious Erica Patterson I want you to know if you're watching I always have love for you you're one of the mothers of my children I can never hate you I refuse to go that route always have love for you I always respect you we we got a beautiful daughter I haven't always been right in the things that I've said things I've done in regards to you what I will say is it always takes two I pray that at some point you will reconcile with your children and that you remember who I am here in my heart that you remember that my oldest son who's who's an adult his mother beautiful beautiful spirit I thank her for the times that she dared to listen when no one else was when I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on in life and I was being pulled to this direction or that direction just couldn't figure things out she would take the time to sit and listen and I thank her for it times where I had nowhere to go she would find me in the back of abandoned cars or trucks or something of that nature and she would do things to help you know it's a lot of people a lot of good people out there in the world still she's one of them I thank you Angel that's her name too by the way Angel when I was all over the place mentally couldn't sit still couldn't make decisions trying to figure out how life would go being young young parents to both of us she never once judged me she never once ridiculed me and downed me because of my issues she always was willing to be there I'm eternally grateful for that Jessica my youngest daughter's mom I believe it's a reason why God puts anyone in your life at the time that he does you came into my life at a time where everything was chaotic I didn't have a clue how to even begin to put one foot in front of the other you came into my life at a time where I was pondering what did I even have to live for and in the midst of that he gave me my daughter my baby girl always get emotional talking about her in particular because she's such a daddy's girl we're very very close very close I felt like when Missy was born that was God giving me a chance to make good on mistakes I made with my other two children at the time I felt like that was redemption everything that I didn't do right before I had the chance to right that wrong she's she's [00:51:16] Speaker ?: she's [00:51:16] Mr. Brooks: probably the single handed reason why I'm even still breathing she's such a light got such a light in my life such a light she doesn't even understand the extent of everything that's going on she doesn't know what it is not to be able to talk to me when she wants to to be able to see me when she wants to she just doesn't get it and I know that and I'm mindful that there are people in this community that feel the same exact way that lights in their life that were taken so without being insensitive to that I'll move past that I just want to tell my baby girl that I love her I love you missy my baby boy was born in June during the time that I been here his mother Quida I regret not being able to be there for the times that both of them needed me the most it's not an easy thing for a woman to go through a pregnancy with virtually no help having to move residencies because of this tragedy not feeling safe while she was pregnant not feeling safe receiving threats things like that and I wasn't there I know what it's like to be at the birth of your children see them born and cut the biblical cord and to do all those things I've done that and to not be able to do it for her and for him Tony know what he looks like because of pictures for her to not feel safe to be in the city or being around my family members to build that rapport because she can't mentally deal with everything that comes with and for me to not be able to help her for me to not have any words to uplift her her expressing her anger to me not knowing how everything would go it's hurtful I just I want her to know I believe God has a plan for everything it's about doing the best you can inside of God's will say what you want about me I'm not gonna walk away from my children I refuse to walk away from my children love all for you and that won't stop for nothing no matter what lot of reference yesterday was made about death in reference to opinions opinions towards myself I do not fear death not one bit I do not fear death because I'm in Christ whether we believe it or not at some point we all have a date everyone on this planet has a date in the word it says that it is appointed to man once to die way I see it is inevitable so why fear it I'm a million percent confident in where I'm going when this is all over a million percent confident regardless of what anyone thinks or says I'm a million percent confident in where I'm going we all got to stand before the judgment seat of Christ at some point all of us nobody's any better than the next person contrary to belief I do not feel like I'm above anyone I don't feel like I'm superior to anyone I breathe air I drink water I eat I go to the bathroom I bleed just like anyone else I'm no better I [01:02:54] Speaker ?: I [01:02:54] Mr. Brooks: I'm a human being I'm not a monster I [01:03:08] Speaker ?: I [01:03:09] Mr. Brooks: I I'm a human being that's been trying to figure out for 35 years questions that I never got the answer to I noticed yesterday in a lot of the victims statements that a lot of the victims are going through the healing process believe it or not I've prayed for all victims family members for a year now to be able to make it through that process but it is a process it won't happen overnight there was a big question of if I was paying attention if you know this that or the third which I won't really get into I definitely was paying attention and I heard in a lot of those statements people that were having their own mental health issues some recognizing what it was others not so much but that's what it was a lot of things that you just can't quite wrap your head around believe [01:05:35] Speaker ?: believe [01:05:35] Mr. Brooks: it or not you were talking to someone that's dealt with those same types of questions for a long time questioning life itself questioning what's the point of being here to go through all this pain to go through all the doubts feelings of inadequacy I can relate to first hand being made fun of being joked about being jeered at being bullied growing up I can relate to all of that because I've been through it [01:06:42] Speaker ?: not [01:06:48] Mr. Brooks: not knowing if you even want to wake up after you go to sleep I've been through that wondering [01:07:06] Speaker ?: wondering [01:07:06] Mr. Brooks: if you'll even be missed when you're gone the weirdest hours of the morning just sitting up and just finding something to stare at hoping that an answer may just fall out of the sky on you me myself I've like I said raised Christian but it's been so many times through the years that I've doubted God it's time I think everyone in this room can say that if you believe you've doubted you've questioned you've wondered been in situations that just can't figure out why how did I get here what did I miss what did not catch what did not see what how did it ever get to this how did it ever end up with this at some point we've all at some point we've all been in that position obviously in my shoes it's a little different I said before for the people that don't have any understanding I can't sit here and be what people want me to be we're all individuals we all have our own ways of looking at things and we all have our own personalities or whatnot that's what makes us unique is our individualism how one person may react to something another person may feel the same exact way but probably not react the same way people can agree on certain things and still have a different approach and listening to all the victims yesterday that had the courage to speak and state their opinions and vent their frustrations and their anger and everything hurt a lot of what should have been done what could have been done as far as to the remorse I apologize for not showing people what they wanted to see I just ask that there be understanding to that there's a side out of the courtroom that's not seen what's seen in the courtroom is just a small piece of the whole puzzle just just just a fraction the majority of the time I'm not standing in the courtroom or sitting in the courtroom it's not a day it's not an hour that goes by that I haven't thought about what's happened that I haven't tried to wrap my head around how how something like this could happen where I haven't thought about the pain that you all are in what was lost in the fashion that it was lost contrary to what people may think you get to a point though and obviously it's different with me being in this position and people being on the other side of the coin so to speak it's a different position on [01:14:32] Speaker ?: on [01:14:32] Mr. Brooks: my end you get to a point to where you just you just tired you get to a point where you've cried all the tears you can cry you've prayed all the prayers you can pray you never stop praying but it's repetitive at this point you get to a point where you're completely drained you don't know what else you have to give there was many many court dates in the beginning of all these proceedings that I wasn't even sure if I can even come in the courtroom without breaking down it was times where I didn't even feel like I was going to make it through a court proceeding when I did have representation it was times where I told my representation no I don't and that wasn't because I just didn't want to come in the courtroom it was because mentally I could not handle it [01:16:19] Speaker ?: I [01:16:21] Mr. Brooks: could having [01:16:29] Speaker ?: having [01:16:29] Mr. Brooks: to be prepped for everything that I was going to walk into them telling me you know it's going to be this kind of atmosphere expect this and expect this and it's just like wow how am I going to do this I want everyone to know though when you walk out of the courtroom and the cameras aren't rolling anymore you don't have the world looking at you anymore that's when you can feel like you're human again when you can go back to yourself drop your tears pray punch your mat if you're frustrated sleep it off whatever you may choose to do and I wonder how things would be different if the cameras was rolling then when we remove all this courtroom how would how would it be then we all done things in our life that we regret that we're not proud that we don't know what we were thinking that's been like a rollercoaster for me in this year a rollercoaster and obviously just everyday life some days are better than others that's just life in general some days are just better than other days other days and heard my best friend speak a little bit earlier about about I guess it would be more happier times but even then you put on a smile to hide the pain long before November 21st 2021 long before that day I was struggling long before feeling dead inside dead feeling hopeful dead feeling depressed [01:20:59] Speaker 1: dead [01:21:03] Mr. Brooks: feeling happy dead feeling upset just up and down up and down up and down up and down up and down 90% of the time not even knowing why you going from point A to B why is it going like this so I think you do a lot of things to numb that some people have different things that help them numb it some people turn to drugs some people turn to alcohol some people turn to many different things some people isolate themselves some people however however you deal with it it's how you deal with it at that point in my life I chose to put up a front no one seen me for how I truly felt then there would be no questions you see someone and they always have an upbeat appearance and seem to be smiling and seem to be in a joyful mood there's no reason to what is their question how much turmoil could it be the first thing they would say is every time I see them they're okay it's not okay it's not but I do believe one thing though as long as you have breath in your body no matter what you're going through where you may be what struggles you have what you can't figure out you have to find a way to press forward you have to keep faith and you have you have to press forward I think the Apostle Paul said it best Apostle Paul said it best when he said one thing I do forgetting what's behind me and straining toward the upper core of which Christ has taken a hold of him straining for which acknowledging that it's difficult acknowledging that there'll be opposition there'll be hurdles to jump there'll be mountains to climb it's not gonna be easy acknowledging that by saying straining straining to move forward that's what I've been learning is it frustrating that sometimes people mistake that for not caring yeah very frustrating as hard as it is you cannot turn back the hands of time you can't as much as I wish I had the power to do that I can't so I have to look at life going forward not backward I have to look at reality I've moved past the actual tragedy of the day of November 21st 2021 but I have not moved past uplifting this community in prayer and I will continue to do that until it's my time to pass on I won't stop uplifting the communities in prayer the victims the families regardless of how anyone feels I will continue to pray for them because that's what I want my heart to reflect and I don't want it to be misinterpreted what I'm saying by that by saying I've moved past the actual day to clarify that so there's no misconception it's that none of us can go back and change what happened we can't but [01:28:41] Speaker ?: but [01:28:41] Mr. Brooks: that doesn't mean that my life has to continue to be defined by that [01:28:49] Speaker ?: I [01:28:54] Mr. Brooks: refuse to continue to live at that time because that time has passed we can always say shoulda coulda woulda nobody knows what they'll do until they're in that situation it's easy to say I would have did this I could have did this I should have did this I would have did that I never know what you're going to do until you actually there does anyone think I haven't asked myself that man I should why didn't I what does it matter now how many times can I pound my fist against something and say why how could how many times before you just like have to move forward forgiveness Matthew 6 14 and 15 forgiveness for if you forgive other people when they sin against you your heavenly father will also forgive you but if you do not forgive others their sins your father will not forgive your sins that's Jesus himself God himself I point no fingers towards anyone in judgment to say how could you say this and how like I said before how people process this tragedy is how they choose to I could jump up and down and yell and scream about what was said in regards to me but why everyone has to make their own peace with God and that's what I've done regardless to what people think I've done I don't want that to be confused with being at peace it's a process but I've made my peace that is the only reason why I made the comment that I have a clear conscience it was not pertaining to remorse it wasn't mockery it wasn't it wasn't to thump my nose at anyone that wasn't what that comment was about I've chosen to do that because it was needed it's easy to lose your way in the world because the world is as we all know it's it's a big place all types of things are out there all types to it's easy to get caught up in the world I can't and I refuse to live the rest of my life trying to please other people I still have a long way to go to get to where I need to be but my life now is about pleasing God it's about what he wants not what I want it's about what he wants not what everybody else wants I brought up God's will yet another comment that was taken out of context a comment that again was not meant in a disrespectful manner in any way was not meant to thumb my nose at anyone in any way it was the acknowledgement that God is in control of everything everything the good the bad and the ugly he is in control that's what that was pointed towards that and that alone for those of us who do believe we've always been taught that God his way is not ours what he sees fit to do we can't stand in the way of it no matter how much we wish we could we can't frankly sometimes that sucks I never thought I would be standing here not being able to enjoy a time with my family that anyone would enjoy with their family people lost loved ones sure they feel the same way they never expected to be here now because of something like this that is not lost on me to suggest that I don't care out of everything that's been said during this whole year that's probably the hardest one to digest to suggest that I'm heartless this [01:38:43] Speaker 1: Mr. Brooks what do you [01:38:44] Speaker ?: think [01:38:45] Speaker 1: this court should do as far as the sentences are concerned with all of these convictions [01:38:49] Mr. Brooks: honestly your honor and I don't want I don't want this to be taken out of context I believe there's issues with me attempting to answer that and here's why I'm still confused I'm still confused on the true nature and cause of the charges I don't understand them I also I also believe a decision was already made before we even got here and I could be wrong that that's not a shot it's not a slight in any way towards your honor it's not and I don't want that to be taken out of context as well I will say help [01:41:25] Speaker ?: help help [01:41:25] Mr. Brooks: is needed when you've dealt with certain things as as long as I have we have so many questions about where to start where to start we have so many questions about what can give you the help you need who can point you in the direction to get the help you need there's so many things that you just you don't know where to start at your honor I think that throughout these proceedings and I've noticed this that you've been very observant you've you've been very attentive regardless of me being frustrated with some of the things that has been I can't do anything but look at what what you have what you have done which is you have you have been very very keen I believe that still a lot of issues there I believe that because of the issues I have sometimes you I may have said things that you probably didn't really understand what I was meaning by sharpest knife in the drawer I think sometimes my mind probably works a little faster than I can articulate something or pronounce something or say something obviously it would be hard to top what was already said about you thus far you got an incredible amount of love for your job in this matter some even say superhero some people I'm sure you know this but some people have even dressed up as you for Halloween [01:45:58] Speaker 1: I'm not looking for accolades from anyone I'm looking here today to sentence you in this case and I'm frankly more interested in your thoughts on that than your opinion of me and how I conducted myself during this trial my [01:46:17] Mr. Brooks: opinion on that part [01:46:18] Speaker 1: I [01:46:19] Mr. Brooks: just I [01:46:21] Speaker 1: have a job to do today it's not an easy one there's 76 counts I'd like you if you can and if you want to tell me how you think I should do that that's what the victims have stated that's what the state right they provided their recommendation the [01:46:42] Mr. Brooks: only thing I can say is one thing that should be taken into account is the time that I've served been here a year that would pretty much negate count 76 so here's that your honor I'm confused I don't understand the true nature and cause of the charges so I can't I don't I can't really consent to being sentenced when I'm still trying to I don't understand it's not a delay tactic it's not attempting to be disruptive it's not intended to stop the proceedings it's my honest opinion I have trouble with comprehension I can't say with one million percent certainty that everything [01:48:42] Speaker ?: everything [01:48:42] Mr. Brooks: as far as in regards to me everything should be looked at in its totality the the mental health issues I believe that you've seen you've seen them rear their head at times I believe that I know that you've seen that rear his head at times also believe that you recognize the need for the help that's needed you've seen things as far back as my childhood and I believe that you understand the certain needs that would benefit where to start me myself I don't know there's so many issues that I've been trying to address for a long time [01:50:56] Speaker 1: a [01:51:00] Mr. Brooks: very long time and I don't know where to start I have no idea I can tell you that I want to be able to get to a point in my life where I can have the ability to recognize before it happens when something could become out of control before outside a source can maybe pinpoint it and say maybe something's wrong I want to get to a point where I can be able to recognize the signs on my own I want to get to a point where I don't have a mind that's jumping back and forth and all over the place and these moves they go from here to here to here to here to here to here and then it's like I'm cool and then it's here to here to here to here I want to get to a place where I can combat that it's this your honor this this has not been easy and not just this but life in general it has not been easy it's it's not easy to wake up every day and try to figure out how to stay grounded or how to stay in a stay in a I don't want to say a box but to be able to to stay in a straight line to be able to take life as it comes to to not only be [01:53:37] Speaker ?: be [01:53:37] Mr. Brooks: able to cope with things things are going to happen problems happen life itself isn't easy I want to get to a point your honor where I can be able to say okay it's okay it's okay I can be myself I can say you know what you aren't the only person going through this this doesn't make you any less than anybody else I wasn't asked to be born this way your honor I wasn't I was not I don't understand it but the fact of the matter is is I want to get to a point of happiness again to be able to be medicated and not care what people think to be able to speak my truth without having to feel ashamed that some people may think of me lesser than a person because I have to be medicated for life for it because they feel like it's not normal which lends to the reason why I said not wanting to live to please anyone else anymore but for me to be okay here here for me to be okay because I haven't been for a long time I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired some days I don't know what what's up or down some days I don't know I want to know [01:55:58] Speaker 1: Mr. Brooks it's going on two hours I feel like we're starting to cover the same ground over and over so I'm going to ask you again because I'm really interested in your perspective I want to know as I consider and contemplate and finalize what to do in this case if there are any sentencing recommendations you have on your own behalf to make at this time [01:56:30] Mr. Brooks: I just want to be helped I don't [01:56:46] Speaker ?: I [01:57:00] Mr. Brooks: don't want to live with inside this pain anymore I know that's probably not the answer you're looking for your honor [01:57:27] Speaker 1: six of these counts that you have been convicted of are intentional homicide charges the options for the court are very limited life without the possibility of extended supervision life with the possibility of extended supervision as early as 20 years that's the statute and third anything in between and then lastly related to that there's an enhancer of five years for each count based upon the jury answering that special verdict question did you commit the offense of intentional homicide by using a dangerous weapon thoughts on that [01:58:30] Mr. Brooks: do you [01:58:40] Speaker 1: think you should spend the rest of your life in prison without ever seeing freedom outside bars that would be extended supervision should these counts run consecutive or concurrent meaning one after the other or serving them at the same time what are your thoughts on those things [01:59:03] Mr. Brooks: I didn't understand everything you said but I did I can't live a million years so I feel like [01:59:34] Speaker ?: I [01:59:41] Mr. Brooks: should be able to go somewhere where I can be helped where I can be properly evaluated where I can be properly medicated if that is an extended period of a long long time at least I know that I'm getting what I need not what I want what I need at least then I would be able to say it's okay you can be you you can be grateful for the fact that you have experts or I don't know if that's the right word but you have people that know exactly what to do that recognize exactly what needs to be done and what should be done to be able to like I said be properly medicated which is extremely needed I don't know if that answers I'll [02:01:44] Speaker 1: follow it up again do I what I hear you saying sir is that you don't have a specific recommendation in terms of how long the sentences are whether they're life whether they're consecutive whether they're concurrent but you're asking me to take into consideration your mental health needs and your desire to get help would that be fair [02:02:06] Mr. Brooks: yes I would say I think it should be what you said what was the term used the [02:02:33] Speaker 1: extended supervision term or consecutive versus concurrent [02:02:36] Mr. Brooks: yeah the concurrent [02:02:40] Speaker 1: right serving sentences at the same time versus consecutive one after the other [02:02:45] Mr. Brooks: serving all together my main thing is you know like I said regardless is to not just be put place somewhere and just forgotten about that doesn't help obviously I don't know how that all works but I know that it would greatly benefit me to be able to be somewhere where like I said I can properly evaluate it and medicate it with the things that I need it could be something that I haven't even discovered yet or not me myself but it can be something that may be way near that could have helped me years ago that I probably wouldn't never have known up until this point that could have immensely helped me I want the opportunity [02:04:39] Speaker 1: to repeat some of these topics that you've covered and I understand what you're saying I want [02:04:48] Mr. Brooks: to beat this I want to beat this I want the opportunity to beat it to show that it can be beat [02:04:53] Speaker 1: I don't [02:04:54] Mr. Brooks: have to live like you know I want to show that regardless of anything that there is still hope I want to be able to show my children that regardless you can be you can rise up you don't have to [02:05:24] Speaker 1: understand and comprehend your desire to have your mental health issues addressed and met you stated that multiple times I understand that I can certainly address that in my sentencing remarks here today at this time it's been over two hours I appreciate all of the words you've said here today and the fact that you've made a statement [02:05:55] Mr. Brooks: I apologize for the length I didn't even [02:05:58] Speaker 1: realize it's okay but at this time I would like to take about a just shy of 20 minute break come back at 3 p.m. and start my portion of the sentencing hearing with my sentencing remarks and the sentence so at this time we will be in recess until 3 p.m. Thank you everyone